The Vow December 16

On the last night of the longest one of a kind, on Yule’s sacred night she went to her father's’ house, where angels sang so beautifully. And so she sang with them, from all her heart. She sang for him, for she finally understood the purest version of love. The love that is wishing the other person to be happy, even though there is no place in the future for their love to evolve how it should be between a man and a woman.  She sang for all the souls on the planet suffering and going through hardships. She sang for the ill ones, for the abandoned ones and for those who are lonely. She cried on the way back home, completely giving up and letting go of what her heart desired. The only thing she wished for, was for him to find his happiness in his choice and never look back at what kind of miracle could have happened.

When she finally finished mourning her love, she turned to her gods and vowed to live her life according to the mission she was assigned for. The mission she had the gift for being born to find and walk the way of this unique path. For she had nothing left to lose. 

I met a Na'vi August 15

I met a Na'vi. He's got beautiful sad blue eyes and a heart that carries too much.

He helped me to put back things into the right perspective, about myself and my life. I was dazzling next to him. The things he was saying were the things I was saying to other people, for example about me constantly enjoying hedonistic happiness.

The symbol he had tattooed on his chest was the symbol of my awakening.

I know that it doesn't always happen between two people simultaneously. Maybe for him, the whole being with me was different, maybe for his own pain / lack of confidence he could not see what I saw in him.

But for me, it was about meeting my own kind, sharing who I really am, being myself and being open about myself. It gave me back the hope of finding more people like me. I really need more people in my life who are aware, or awakened.

The last thing I told him, I said it to myself too. 'You are very special and you need to know it every second. You need to know who you are. And for this, you need to love yourself so much'. This message layered deep inside my understanding.

When we had sex it was like having sex with myself. His hair, his skin and his touch was so similar to mine. Very soft, gentle and caring just like I am. He was not afraid of showing his tenderness. It made me realise, that I am when I am in intimate situations. I told him that night 'I love you, I love your soul'. And I meant it with all me, my body, my soul, my aura. It was a very profound experience for me. I realised how much we don't say it to each other, because of what it means in the social, linguistic contest, it has a heavy weight when it should be so light, because the word, the meaning of it so bright.

I was really thankful to God for meeting him. On the whole, these few weeks were incredible for meeting with so many people, having those wonderful moments, including the holidays spent with my girl friend M. I'm very grateful that my paths crossed with these beautiful people. If my life was like this all the time, I would be the happiest person in the world.

'What are you feeling right now?' I asked him in the moment.

'Happiness' he replied. 'Your presence is very calming'. I know this, that's how people feel when I am myself, when I radiate this healing energy, when I'm being myself.

Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

What is Life about February 2

It came to me today, that life will never be perfect, we will never be happy.

We will always chase something better than this moment. Something bigger, brighter, more interesting. It will all disappear, in one moment it will go just as it came.

Too much of the responsibility our happiness is.

Because we don't own our life, it belongs to the time. The only tiny little thing we have is this moment. This is what makes it so painfully beautiful. We are warriors against the time. The time when we grow up, we grow wiser, our parents die, our friends die and our life flies away in front of our miserable consciousness.

We are constantly moving miniature atoms. We don't belong to anything, we are only driven by our desire to be happy. By the energy of the universe we are forced from one places to another one, these will shape us, make us stronger. But there will be never a moment when we feel, this is it. It's a complete enlightenment, an illumination to its fullest. We'll be always just trying to pursue that image of perfection.

New year resolutions December 27

The most important thing you need to do is to become a practitioner, you got this message quite clearly. It isn't selfish, to do what's the best for you, it's taking care of yourself and knowing how valuable you and your life are.

You can't give your life to other people.

Continuation of the evaluation December 27

I was writing about recurring patterns in my relationships , and here's another one I found worth mentioning, is that people or men in my life don't take seriously my feelings, like they are not important. I have to push them down within myself. I am constantly learning to stand up for what I feel. I think the first time in my life I had this with my grandmother, our feelings were always ridiculed, like we weren't allowed to 'moan' and here I got this again from P, that I am moaning on Christmas. I was strong enough to get out of this trouble by myself, but the question is, why are we together? If he does not see how he treats me sometimes? He was really rude with me many times, always apologised but always forgot about how he was with me, and things went back again, in circles. He calls me stupid, tells me to go to my mother, to stop moaning and so on. He let me down when I needed him. It's like when I took the hotel room because he said he can't see my face, because I exploded not being able to take his rudeness anymore when I came back from Russia, and he started to shout at me on the phone, that I don't have money and I'm taking hotels how selfish it's of me. He was never on your side. He thinks you're selfish when you're not doing the things he expects you to do. On the whole, reading back he sounds like a very insecure and manipulative person, and he does not behave like a man in this relationship.

Why are you taking this from anyone? You are repeating the same mistakes over again. It's not enough that someone loves you. They need to be positive, gentle, listening and respectful with you, as this is what you can give yourself, to the other person. So you deserve it to be given by someone.

Can I just mention it here, that how he behaved with you when you were in the hospital and he came to pick you up? That was very heartless of him. When your uncle died, he made an argument for the clothes, then how he was with you on your Amsterdam trip was phenomenal, when he picked you up in Heathrow Airport, the he said he lost money on it, he does not care about your friends, he always wants things his way. And what's worse is that at the end of it all, he is the one unsatisfied with you. When you say something he did, he responds that why I am bringing up stuff about him, even from a month ago. Enjoying his 3-4 days. You became nervous, unstable and out of balance. You need to look after yourself. This relationship is toxic for you. I fucking hate him now.

I'm back and I'm analysing myself December 25

Dear Ave,

This is a letter to myself, hope you will like facing the truth that you were trying to avoid for so long.

You are different, you are unique. You work differently. You were always like this and you will always be.

You can't change this.

There are some things however, that you can do. Partially for yourself, and partially for the good of other people, this planet.

You need to look after yourself.

You need to nourish your soul, to heal your heart. This sensitivity can be a gift, but also a curse if you don't know how to live with it. So here I am 34 years old, for the first time I accept myself, who I am.
I'm very sensitive. I can feel everything. But mostly, other people. You will always give more, than you receive or then you will not receive at all. But you don't care. You're nobel, and other wordly.
You need to stop suffering because of this and start embracing yourself and this side within yourself.

Your emotional intelligence is very high and only a few people are like you. For most of the time, you are surrounded by people who are less sensitive, or less developed emotionally. That's why also why you suffer. Because you project from your heart, you expect other people to function this way too.

So acceptance is the first step. The second step, is that you will always understand other people, but not too many could feel what you feel. You will alway be lonely in a way. In other way, you will always have yourself to understand all this. You preferred it to be this way.

People who are your kind will recognise you, they will see you. You will always know who they are.
However, they will be fewer, just some.

Your world is beautiful, colourful and full of miracles. And you don't need to do anything to achieve this state, you constantly live like this. You need to be proud of yourself. The only thing you need to do is to be in constant connection with your soul.

You need to look after yourself.

This is the collision within yourself that constantly causing war in your spirit.

You are different, because you know it. Others are looking for truth for times and times. You were born under a lucky star. You need to flourish, open like a rose.

There are two patterns you need to face:

One, is when people have a different image of you, a worse one.
It's because you have a different image of yourself, you think you don't deserve to be good, acknowledged, or appreciated.

The other is, that you're choosing partners who can not give you what you need. You're trying to change yourself just to be on their level. You're delaying your own growth.

Az your girlfriend A said, you should share your life moments with a person who is joyful and loves life.

Please make sure, you make time regularly to sit down, look deep within yourself and see the interconnection between the happenings in your life and your soul. To evaluate your life. Otherwise, you can spend all your life sleeping, until your next life. Life after life.

You could truly achieve anything you wanted in life. You could generate any kind of energy to manifest, anything that is in line with your higher purpose. The future has not happened yet, it's forming now, in this moment. It's your choice, your responsibility to shape it.

You are in the best place you could be right now. Here, in France with your mother, spending some time to recharge. Wipe off that misery of your beautiful face, and be grateful that it happened that you can write and pond on things. You were supposed to do it long ago.

Read a nice book, do your hair, your nails, watch a meaningful movie. It's Christmas time, his birthday to celebrate.

With him, you could not even read a book in peace. See him, for what he is and let it go.

You have so much to do on this planet. You need to write a book, travel, open your health centre. Meet and help more and more people. No wonder you can't find your place and feeling stuck. You stopped the time until you hesitated. It's time to move, to create again.

You need to look after yourself.

Think about yourself, what your heart desires. Who are you, who you want to become?

Saying Goodbye September 21st

Staying and saying goodbye to this place has always bared a wonderful significance in my life.

Not only because of its incredible, pure beauty and breath taking colours especially at the time of the day when the sun was going down, but also for all the happenings that I was lucky to experience while staying here.

La Belle Fin June 9 Thursday

I needed nearly two weeks to recover from the stress I brought and carried from London. That is a lot of wasted time, but I don't regret it. I really needed this break to rest, recharge and cleanse myself inside.

This was a good lesson to learn for myself, to put into bullet points

- I need to be constantly conscious about my energy consumption and output, and that what I let into my heart.

Far away June 3 Friday

I arrived here with enormous expectations about how much I'm going to write, work, create and read.

Despite this noble and naive intention, I spent the first three days sitting in a silent room and staring at the wall.

I wondered about the moment when I have lost the connection with myself. When I let things happen, certain things to hurt me, and I did nothing to stop them. No self-defence, no attack on the enemy, just let it do whatever it could. Like I deserved it. Something like a double punishment.

Maybe writing would help. So here it is.

There are some things I've done during my stay here: I did not smoke, drink alcohol or ate more than I wanted to. Just the opposite, ate a little having my appetite lost. I feel like I want to cleanse my body and my mind from all the junk let to build up inside me in London. On the first day, I recognised traces of feelings of pleasure just by wearing white coloured clothes. I played with the thought for some time, that how nice it would be to have everything white in my future dream apartment. No other colour would be necessary.

Today, I finally cried. It just happened, there was a tiny trigger but nothing relevant. I cried for all those feelings that poured out of me, the watergate cracked at some point, however it was very well built and the time and place were perfect for it. It felt good to cry. For myself, to cleanse and to let it out. I love myself for these feelings.
Interestingly, I am now surrounded by real, nature caused flooding. It's like in Wuthering Heights, the nature provides the setting of the stage of my life, this never ending drama.

That moment keeps coming back to me, when we are fighting again for some bullshit and my very last power I sacrifice without any bad intention or pride or fear left to come to you on my knees while you're laying on the bed and ask "Why can't you feel me?".

I wish I knew where is the point, where we should give up trying because there is no more life left, or or shall we continue in the name of true love?

I don't know how would I be, if we have never met.

I felt something about someone, and it came completely naturally. I don't know if I should feel bad about myself, but in a while this was the first noteworthy feeling I discovered in myself. It happened spontaneously, mutually and innocently. It was nice to detect that at least I am not fully lesbian yet, I still have sexual desire towards the opposite gender. I still desire a kiss, a touch on my body and imagining it makes my skin burn. Your touch.

So why I don't feel the same about you? Where is the sparkle we used to have? Did we become so used to each other?

From the book "Me against God" April the 10th Sunday

I have lived many lives before. Just as you did, your neighbour, your lover or your child did.
I was born and all was wonderful. I started to grow and recognised the urging feeling of creating something profound. As I teenager, I knew I had so much time so I just fed myself with the excitement it radiated within my soul. This feeling persisted throughout my middle age, but here came the uncertainty and hesitation about what should I actually do? It started to grow into a itch, the steadily into an ache. I died regretting everything and I promised so deep, so strong that next time I will do everything differently. I was born. All was wonderful. I started to grow and recognised the urging feeling of creating something profound.

The colour between black and white Wednesday February the 10th

They say,

my black and white thinking can get me into troubles.

I say,

tell me what is the colour in between?

It's just grey. Grey as the colour of the sky on a cold, wet February day.

Year of a monkey, you really testing my patience and my power.

I had a dream last night. I was at a beautiful seaside with some friends. Then out of a sudden, Poseidon, the God of seas and oceans came up. He was a merman. He gave me a present, it was shoes I needed to try on. So I did. As soon as I put these shoes on, the laces started to run up on my legs, like some wall climbing plants, and I could not escape. When they finally covered up all the skin of my legs, I realised they formed a fishtail. I became a mermaid, just like them.

I did not want to spend my time anymore with humans. I felt other mermaids around me, swimming in the shallow clean blue water. It's like we could communicate and feel each other telepathically. Well, I guess this dream speaks for itself. I'm such an alien. Like I'm always being in a wrong place.

Maybe, it was God who came in my dream. He offered me to become an angel. Maybe, this is a dream in front of me, and when I'm dreaming I return back home.

It is undoubtedly one of those periods, when the only cheer I have is to take a shower in the mornings, imagining it is warm rain on a Summer day.

The lovely girl M, who I have met yesterday for the first time, advised me to ask for a wish, then to think of something else.

I found my wish hidden in my old diary, dated back to 2011. Still asking for that wonderful job, that I deserve. What else should I go through, to get it? I'm bulletproof. Leave me alone with this testing. I want to be happy with my work finally.

Poem To You December 27

I can't listen to your music,
I can't listen to your songs,
Staying friends,
Living past is not an option,
When the Sun's new every day.

They say,
We were never meant to be,
So why I'm still dreaming?

They say,
The best songs are born,
From the greatest sorrows,

So I'm singing this song
For the 'us' in some other world.

Just a little would be enough
To warm up
This never ending December.

Ideas and dreams December 25

I know if I don't put my ideas and dreams into art, they die off like Autumn leafs mixing together with mud after rain later becoming soil.

So creative, so young and full of doubts and hesitation. All is fear.

I had this picture on my mind, taking photos of women different age with a piece of paper things written on it. I would ask random strangers. It would begin with "I don't want...." then would reveal some very personal, shocking secret. Like 'I don't want to be a mother'. With three children around her. Or "I don't want my children to see that we're poor". Or something like this.

You need to create in every moment, every day. Otherwise you will die.

Today is Christmas day and the moon was completely full at 11.11 AM in Cancer. We were doing meditation together with Him. We scrubbed our keywords into each candle. As I was looking at these words, it made me think perhaps we already have what we ask for. Perhaps it is already with us, we just need some kind of confirmation. His was 'BEGINNINGS' and mines' 'FAITH'. It was so little what I put into, so small. Made me much stronger, definitely. Made me capable of life and living. Made me a lone wolf. Made me do things for myself, help without looking for reward. Made me look into the mirror and see clearly myself. Now it's time to get my faith back.

Ps. you're a wonderful writer my darling.

The last supermoon of this year October 29

It wasn't too late in the evening but it was already dark. We crossed the four way road, me walking home and her to meet her boyfriend. My friend, E decided to leave London and all together the whole country to move back.

The whole happening made me understand something. The feelings evoked where different this time, they were new to me. I thought, in general in our friendships we kind of give and take emotions-wise. The fact that she won't be around anymore would change the level of my feelings to her? Would I love her less just because she will not be in my 'inner circle' anymore? She won't be here to call, to listen to me.

Bullshit, I said. Who said we can't love our friends more than they love us, unconditionally without letting them know. The feeling of love experienced is wonderful it does not expects anything and doesn't ask back.

This is how it came to me, that same as when having relationships we can also love in friendships, unconditionally. From this point, it does not matter how much she would be there for me. My feelings are steady and they make me happy.

As we walked together, the moon was coming up on the horizon. And it was enormous, I have never seen it this big, especially not while living in this big city. Big moon in the big city. And we are in it, small people with our small things to carry on with.

I wish that with this moon may all that no longer serves you or make you unhappy would vanish. A period would end, and something new and fresh would start.

'Thank you.' She said.

Part from the book Sulamith's wonderful life

I lived two lives. One, before the Big Catastrophe, and one after.

In my first life, I would have this strange vivid dreams. They appeared as they would be some kind of answers or clues to my ever-hovering unconscious question looming in the static like some kind of flash of electricity into the rainy night- about my origins. To questions about who I really am, and what is my purpose on this absurd and terrifying place.

I sought to remember what was lost, erased from my memories. What remained, were mere feelings. They were my keys opening rooms in my mind. People, happenings, number of years were swept with one enormous hand that wasn't God's, just like someone sweeps flour from the kitchen table.

It's 2015's end of October and I had one of those dreams again. I am in the war of Afghanistan or Iraq. I'm a reporter or a journalist. I'm going on the usual way, to the city. I hear gunshots and people running. I want to run back, but my way is barricaded. There is a man with a large car like a van. The one you go through the desert with. He sees me, opens the door and I jump in. He has a turban. I know he is a good man because he's saving my life. We're trying to hide in his car from the bullets. We're driving off. He knows that I'm there to help. He shouts to me: tell them you're an independent, tell them you're an independent! But I'm too afraid to get out if his car, because they will shoot me. I just stay with him, the last person I see.

I had a dream with D October 20

I have one relationship that did not have an ending. I'm over it, really. Long time past by. It's just we did not have a chance to close it properly. We did not talk about what was wrong or right: I just cut it down and he did not disagree. That's how our romance ended: without a decent ending.

He came however in my dreams, many times. In these dreams every time he wanted to start it over, but I said no. I guess it was too painful for me that he withdrew emotionally when I needed him the most.

This morning I woke up remembering my dream and he was in it. I was in my home city with my mum and we walked next to the cinema hall at the bus stop not far from the place where I spent my first weeks. As we passed the bus stop I saw him with his colleague girl and a few other people including one blonde girl I wasn't able to recognise. I think there was a romantic connection between them, what's what I observed from my dream. I became very happy to see him again and wanted to approach them to say hi. Just like friends. And here, he did a movement with his hand quite angrily kind of showing me to back off, like when you sweep things under the carpet in order to forget them. I turned around and left with my mum. It hurt me in my dream, that even after many years he could not talk to me like friends. Like the whole thing meant nothing for him.

In reality I am so happy I made that decision to break up with him.

About the fear of 'I have nothing to say' October 20

I went for a run today. Then I walked while I marvelled at the nature around me. Being away gave me time to think and concentrate on what I want to achieve in my near future.

A picture of me talking publicly came up in my imagination. I asked myself 'how am I going to achieve this'? Then I had this sudden flush in my head, a feeling through my body like a sentence saying 'but I have nothing to say'. I could recognise it was definitely a limiting belief. But where was it coming from? I have never failed in public speaking before.

And here I saw a moment in my imagination, traced far in my past when I was a student in my school. I had to recitate to my head teacher. It was one of the first classes in the first year. I knew, that I did not study in terms of memorising but I could talk about the matter. As I always did, intuitively.

But what happened is that I received a bad mark from the teacher, because she said that is not enough or not right how I study and I need to memorise and talk logically about the subjects, coming up with the facts only in the right order. From this point, I just tried to remember these facts, written by other  people.

Here I am standing at the beginning of my career. I don't need to recite other people's thoughts. It is not about this anymore: it's about me, giving myself, my knowledge to the world. I can do it as it should be: intuitively.

This is how I recognised an internal conflict within myself and classified it as a limiting belief. I am thinking about how to eliminate it. Maybe I should go back in time and speak to my 15 years old self.

And what would you say to her?
-That she was just different from other children, who needed to learn by rules. Her knowledge is wisdom, not logic or IQ.

I would also use Boundary Tapping here and notice, that with my 15 years old self, my current self is beginning to feel better. Lighter. More capable of achieving.

-You have something to say. Quite frankly, you have something important to say to everyone. And you can access this inner wisdom at any time.

Don't let yourself be misled by awful movies October 17

The best books I read in my life I found by awful trailers. That's my secret.

I saw a random trailer, I found out it is a film adaptation of some fiction, then I did a little research and ended up finding pretty good books (that I would not normally choose).


This is how I came across:

The time traveller's wife
Summer of love
The hunger games
Matilda
Perfume
Ender's game (I've been reading it for over one year now!)
Lolita (The book and the movie qually took my high appreciation)

And there are also movies way better than their initial hardback (if the author gets lucky) versions, but they're in minority. Like 'The Hours'.
It is a dangerous experiment to turn an amazing book into amazing movie. Books should stay where they are, on the shelves or in people's imagination. After all, the movies' script is written by another person like you or me.

My newest on the list is 'John dies at the end'.

I wish for my mother October 8

I wish that my mother experienced lasting happiness in her life. That she met someone who truly loved her for who she is, without wanting to change her or telling her what to do. An honest, empathic person with a big heart. That she would not have the need to use tricks to make the person stay, being unafraid of abandonment by the other person.

I wish her to meet a man, who would love her very much and in his company she would feel loved and understood.

Please angels.

I don't know how my life would be, if I didn't meet him, but I'm sure I would feel very sad and lost time to time.

Hello October

Hello October

Hello colder nights,
Hello longer nights,
Hello wool socks at home,
Indoor pubs and record stores,
Hello Oktoberfest and Halloween!
Fancy dresses and face painting,
Hot mulled wine and photo taking,
Calling friends to get together,
Staying in and cooking for them.
Switching the heating on,
Watching the red moon on the horizon.
Reading a favourite book
Under the thick duvet,
Putting on fuzzy scarf at night,
Marvelling at the fairy lights,
Hello October!

An Autumn London Day October 6

My day yesterday had been really lovely. Advice: if you ever need to get out, have some minor argument with your partner so you will have a light heart and a reason to get out for one day and do anything you want, without telling anyone. The second important step, is that you should turn your phone off, so you can concentrate only on yourself. No friends' messages, no relatives' calls. Just you, for yourself.

Basically, I run away. I took the first bus that came and alighted at Holborn. I ate some fine sushi and decided to go to the National History Museum.  On the way I came across and interesting bookstore, that belongs to the Swedenborg Society, on the window glass there was a notice with their upcoming events. I decided to take a notice of the Bloomsbury Festival Film Screening By Ourselves and An Evening of Dreams writer's discussion.

But I wanted to see the Crystal Skull. There was a documentary once this Summer on television, and since I really wished to meet with it in person too. To be honest I wanted it the first thing to do when I returned to London.
The legend of this skull attracted me, because many people said it has healing attributes and other paranormal phenomena. Like performing miracles. Legend says it was taken from the Ancient Mexicans, Mixtecs or even Mayas. Some people reported seeing future events or vibrant light when being at its presence.

What I recorded when standing just next to it:
Here I am, standing next to the Crystal Skull. I could not find it immediately by my intuition, means not sure it is what it is. How I feel next to it? I feel warmth, definitely. It is getting my messages. It has an aura, a warm one. I don't know what kind of knowledge is within it, but it is connected to life and death, flowers, spirit world. It gives me a good feeling.

I said goodbye to the skull and left the hall. Suddenly I thought about my dream with the scarab and ended up buying a necklace with a large scarab medal. Here it is.

I really like it, I'm wearing it since. This is how I would like to show a special tribute of respect and remembering of Eliot. It protects me. I asked for blessing of the Crystal Skull and the large Easter Island statue and made my way out fast.

I walked to my favourite part of London, Covent Garden. On Neal's Street and Monmouth Street there are two mystic shops, located very close to each other. In between, there is a little piece of earthy heaven, the Neal's Yard. I bought a crystal in one of the shops, a yellow Aventurine and checked cards in the other store. I noticed that it was a lot of young customers, it is nice to see this generation's interest in esoteric.

Neal's Yard changed again since, new shops opened and the old ones closed their gates. There was however a nice new vegan restaurant on the second floor, the Wild Food Cafe. I saw some interesting and colourful creatures sitting and chatting inside, but that just belongs to the atmosphere of this enchanted and bewitching yard.

I left Covent Garden and continued walking on Denmark Street. On the way, there was an open Parish Church that had a very nice incense smell however it was completely empty and a bit dark so I left shortly.

After walking through Denmark Street, I ended up in my beloved bookstore, the Foyles. When I came inside to my wonder the interior changed, they made a large and bright staircase in the middle and I don't remember if before, but now it had 5-6 floors to browse. Unfortunately, the Jazz Cafe closed but another opened on floor 5, next to a Japanese exhibition. (Uh, I forgot to check it out, that's a reason to return!)

I ordered Guinness Chocolate cake, a bottle of raspberry soda and soya latte. Everything was very pleasant in this little hidden oasis, as I enjoyed the ambience and the books with another 30 book loving artistic free spirits, some of them hiding behind their laptops, others just browsing their selected books from the store.

I went home quite late yesterday.

Going against the system October 5

What if someone, what happens if someone does something completely unpredictable against the system? Let's say, from this moment I empty all my accounts and take the first plane to somewhere where I have not been before and where I know no one, starting a brand new life?
Becoming someone else. With a new name. Erasing everything from my previous life. Changing hair, voice, character and personality. Going wild and bold, detaching myself from the society, from myself.

I felt excitement and joy when I thought about all these.

In the play 'Closer' the girl whose role was played by Natalie Portman (Alice) had done something like this. Just left everything behind. How was she like? She was very brave, honest to the people around her and most importantly, she was honest to herself.

Reboot and retest October 4 Sunday

I don't know how to explain it, but in some happenings this year's back coming to London is very similar to last year's, however it feels more sophisticated.

Like it's a replay of some of my tests, challenges of my own successes and failures, to show that I've learnt from my errors, to prove my strength of swiftness.

I am definitely meeting with the same people at the same time, and some of them are still having the same problems like last year. Interesting, that friends call me very often to complain about their life, but as He said it too, no one calls me to confirm that the weather is being brilliant this week. Will it lead to the place of the complete separation from the society, will I be with no friend after all, if my own company is the best place to be at, the one that makes me the happiest and at ease?

My card is the Prudence October 4 Sunday

Carefully, I'm shuffling the cards. I take some time to tune into it. I have no questions to be asked, no thoughts to be discovered. I choose one card and got the card of Prudence.

Being ready is the key importance of this game.

Being ready for my new job.
Being ready for new challenges.
Being ready for new people to meet.
Being ready for being ready.

I'm calm like a pond and steady like an oak tree. Whatever happens, nothing can make an effect on how I feel right now. I am in the centre of my own universe. Finding this point, nothing can levitate me from here.

The sweetness of doing nothing September 27 Sunday night

I've been back in London since Wednesday.

Lot of things were done, like finished an article for some magazine, uploaded the pictures from travelling, emailed them too, spoke to mother, cooked three times (I'm so back on this track, however choosing fast options so far!), had one fight with Him about happiness, organised my balcony garden (saved a little tree), cleaned out the freezer, gave all frozen unused food to my neighbour, called the fixer (from today there wasn't hot water in the house), had one very quality-naughty night with Him (surprised him with the beautiful black one piece lingerie). On the whole, I'm trying to adopt this big city. I want to get into it's bloodstream, again. I went out on Friday night but returned home at 2 AM with Him.

It's good to be back. I am happy to come back. I'm just afraid to fall back into the routines of last year. I haven't met with any of my London friends yet, not as I have a lot. Cancelled a meditation group today.

It is not like it was last year at this time. I learnt a lot about myself. This September I was confident and self-determined about starting over again.

Still, seeing three aeroplanes heading into one direction makes me wonder, how many planes are departing and landing with countless number people looking forward to something new. There are a few stars too barely apparent in the cold autumn sky.

He likes to play for me nearly every evening, and I enjoy listening to it. Like there is nothing else to do right now, just play music, enjoying together the sweet nothingness.

Tomorrow is Monday, and I need to start looking for job.

Blog entry for September 16

I was riding my bike in the city where I grew up. It was an unusually warm September evening. I went to places I haven’t visited for very long. It was nice to be alone again. I biked through the district, went up to the gate of the smaller river. The sun was setting down between the trees on the riverside. It made me wonder, that how fast the trees grew tall and strong. I witnessed when they were planted. I saw some friends walking their dogs. Everything seemed so cosy. I met a couple under the bridge with a little boy; the girl was hanging her legs into the water. The water was clear; they were studying the things seen on the bottom of it.

The ice-cream seller was already closed so I carried myself to the other gate, behind the first bridge, biked through the passage. I saw the old hospital, it was completely abandoned and empty, the bushes made they ways all over it. I love spooky building. The windows were broken in some places and I could see inside the rooms and corridors. In the past, this hospital was busy and full of doctors, nurses going about their work day to day. I saw some beautiful little houses behind the hospital with nicely decorated csinos, gondozott gardens. Some people found their homes in this tiny city.

The second bridge was the same as I left it including everything many years ago. It was seemingly touched by the hands of time.

I turned left into the wealthy quarter. On the house I adored before, there was a large FOR SALE sign. It was the best one on that street. Even the beautiful ones are going to be sold, I thought.

Then I saw the Artist’s Place and I went inside. I knew it’s a private territory but I could not care. There were some really beautiful statues inside, some of the half-ready. Many statue heads were lining up in one raw, all looking at me. I took pictures.

Then I went to the place to the big gate behind the church and the pharmacy, where we used to go as children with my friends. Nothing changed apart from few trees were being cut completely. We crossed our ways with another young woman with long black hair walking her dog, she looked at me like she knew me then pulled her eyes down when passing by me.

I biked through the walking passage of the park on the river side. People were walking, eating ice-cream enjoying this warm autumn evening, just as I did. I stopped at the new bridge looking at the statues in the fountains then at the sky. It had some lines on the blue canvas and I could clearly see the new moon, shining down with a thin slice.

I spend the rest of the evening sitting on the bench at the main church, until it got dark. The bird songs, the shadows of the pane trees and the sculptures around me created an utterly peaceful, calm and beautiful atmosphere. There was a new statue, the saint of the city. I asked him to look after it while I’m away. However, I couldn’t say more as I remembered I don’t have lights on my bike.

People come and go, places changing and the seasons are following each other in some perfect order. There must be some higher power to hold everything together.

On the way home I popped into a shop and bought a bottle beer for myself, preparing for spending the whole night alone.

When I got home, I routinely turned on the radio. The first song coming through was Enigma’s Return to innocence, breaking the silence of the rooms.

Getting ready for the ending September 5

There is a word in Portuguese that can not be transcribed by any other language. It's very unique. Even it's pronunciation sounds like a velvety melody to the ear: saudade.
It's definition (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains". I don't know how it will come to me to leave this place, but I believe this word is the closest to describe. It's like I'm losing the way to the paradise.
A whole cycle is completed. Although I am not quite there yet, but now I acquired all the tools I need to approach my destination. I came over finally all the things that happened to me in 2013. I understood why they happened, I accepted them and practiced forgiving. Including towards myself. There are no more excuses, and I don't blame anyone anymore. I am responsABLE for my life.

I know that this will be the beginning of something new and interesting. I can prove all that I learnt. Still, I will miss this place. It taught me so much. It made me appreciate things in my life, to understand how fragile life is. That I have no time for stagnation or hesitancy.

Two months are needed to get used to a new place of living, I told Him today in the car. Recently there are a lot of wise conversations going on between us on the way to sea or back. Two weeks are necessary to get your head around and learn about your new surroundings, meanwhile finding your local routines, one month needed to adopt the environment and to get used to it, and nearly two months to become a part of it, start loving it, as it is. That is my advice to the travellers of the world. After two months you will feel saudade about leaving your place.

Hello Autumn September 1

The ending and beginning of seasons had always bared unique significance for me. Yesterday was the last day of Summer so we said goodbye. The sunsets are approaching earlier and the air is colder, and when the crispy evening wind breezes the back of my neck, I grasp how inevitably fast is the reaching of Autumn affecting everything on its way, including me.

I am excited about it. I'm recalling the feeling of walking on the rainy pavements of London, disappearing in long wool knit scarf, visiting museums, theatre opening plays and coming out when it's already dark outside, drinking hot chocolate, breathing in the humid and crispy air, celebrating Halloween with friends, dedicating time to costume making, cooking pumpkin risotto, reading novels about the beauty of decay, mingling in the crowds on the transport and streets while you listen to your beloved songs, marveling the lights of the city while dreaming about being in other places.

With all these treasures, I'm actually looking forward to returning.

Full moon rising August 30 Sunday

Purposefully, I am not counting back the days. I'm leaving fairly soon.

I wanted to write about cycles. How I felt last night, that with yesterday's supermoon a whole cycle was completed. From summer to summer. One year of learning, one chapter in my life, one period, one turnover, one loop closed its gates behind me. I became different, the best of what I had ever been.

'Give me your blessing!' I shouted to the sea. The wave that touched my body through my legs came from every direction south, east, north, west, arrowing toward me. It gave me a stone. It's white. It will bring me immense luck.

The supermoon rising was phenomenal. We made fire and ate fish smoked over the smouldering brand. This was the night of lights, with the moonlight reflecting glittering on the sea's surface, with the fire's sparks floating upwards in the dark sky and with the firework in the distance exploded on the other side of the coast.

One of my summer wishes came true. I saw a shooting star. I made a wish for Him.

Blueprint August 26

Exactly one year ago I was exactly here in this place of the globe.

I've heard that we can relate life events to places as much as we can experience flashbacks into the past and recall memories with particular smells.

The sea is beautiful just as it was last year and entirely calm.

When I think about going back to London, I have no fears comparing to last year. I was not looking forward to the trip back. Now I'm different. I had the necessary time to heal, to be alone and to contemplate on my future. Although I do know that I am not perfect having my own flows, I took big steps towards improving several parts of my personality, or rather changing feelings in those areas, my approach to them.

Procrastination was one of them. Now we're standing face to face. I can look into its eyes. Interestingly I had a dream about this few days ago, that I performed exorcism on myself. I had to look at myself in a mirror and I saw in my eyes there was an entity. I looked very bravely and I think I scared it away, I saw it coming out of my facial features. It hissed at me.

After being here, I need to remind myself of cleansing my mind regularly. It really helps. Meditating every day, listening to my favourite music, singing and enjoying life. Smiling, vibrating good energy around me.
I'm not afraid of dying as much as before. I asked for it, and saw my future. It is wonderful full of miracles. Finally, I have to courage to perform acts of service and compassion. For myself. For the sake of my own mission.
Thank you for being so patient with me, for loving me even when I did not love myself enough.

I asked for signs and guidance and I was given. There must me something tremendous behind this all.

I found a feather on my bed this morning.