I can't listen to your music,
I can't listen to your songs,
Staying friends,
Living past is not an option,
When the Sun's new every day.
They say,
We were never meant to be,
So why I'm still dreaming?
They say,
The best songs are born,
From the greatest sorrows,
So I'm singing this song
For the 'us' in some other world.
Just a little would be enough
To warm up
This never ending December.
Sunday, 27 December 2015
Friday, 25 December 2015
Ideas and dreams December 25
I know if I don't put my ideas and dreams into art, they die off like Autumn leafs mixing together with mud after rain later becoming soil.
So creative, so young and full of doubts and hesitation. All is fear.
I had this picture on my mind, taking photos of women different age with a piece of paper things written on it. I would ask random strangers. It would begin with "I don't want...." then would reveal some very personal, shocking secret. Like 'I don't want to be a mother'. With three children around her. Or "I don't want my children to see that we're poor". Or something like this.
You need to create in every moment, every day. Otherwise you will die.
Today is Christmas day and the moon was completely full at 11.11 AM in Cancer. We were doing meditation together with Him. We scrubbed our keywords into each candle. As I was looking at these words, it made me think perhaps we already have what we ask for. Perhaps it is already with us, we just need some kind of confirmation. His was 'BEGINNINGS' and mines' 'FAITH'. It was so little what I put into, so small. Made me much stronger, definitely. Made me capable of life and living. Made me a lone wolf. Made me do things for myself, help without looking for reward. Made me look into the mirror and see clearly myself. Now it's time to get my faith back.
Ps. you're a wonderful writer my darling.
So creative, so young and full of doubts and hesitation. All is fear.
I had this picture on my mind, taking photos of women different age with a piece of paper things written on it. I would ask random strangers. It would begin with "I don't want...." then would reveal some very personal, shocking secret. Like 'I don't want to be a mother'. With three children around her. Or "I don't want my children to see that we're poor". Or something like this.
You need to create in every moment, every day. Otherwise you will die.
Today is Christmas day and the moon was completely full at 11.11 AM in Cancer. We were doing meditation together with Him. We scrubbed our keywords into each candle. As I was looking at these words, it made me think perhaps we already have what we ask for. Perhaps it is already with us, we just need some kind of confirmation. His was 'BEGINNINGS' and mines' 'FAITH'. It was so little what I put into, so small. Made me much stronger, definitely. Made me capable of life and living. Made me a lone wolf. Made me do things for myself, help without looking for reward. Made me look into the mirror and see clearly myself. Now it's time to get my faith back.
Ps. you're a wonderful writer my darling.
Thursday, 29 October 2015
The last supermoon of this year October 29
It wasn't too late in the evening but it was already dark. We crossed the four way road, me walking home and her to meet her boyfriend. My friend, E decided to leave London and all together the whole country to move back.
The whole happening made me understand something. The feelings evoked where different this time, they were new to me. I thought, in general in our friendships we kind of give and take emotions-wise. The fact that she won't be around anymore would change the level of my feelings to her? Would I love her less just because she will not be in my 'inner circle' anymore? She won't be here to call, to listen to me.
Bullshit, I said. Who said we can't love our friends more than they love us, unconditionally without letting them know. The feeling of love experienced is wonderful it does not expects anything and doesn't ask back.
This is how it came to me, that same as when having relationships we can also love in friendships, unconditionally. From this point, it does not matter how much she would be there for me. My feelings are steady and they make me happy.
As we walked together, the moon was coming up on the horizon. And it was enormous, I have never seen it this big, especially not while living in this big city. Big moon in the big city. And we are in it, small people with our small things to carry on with.
I wish that with this moon may all that no longer serves you or make you unhappy would vanish. A period would end, and something new and fresh would start.
'Thank you.' She said.
The whole happening made me understand something. The feelings evoked where different this time, they were new to me. I thought, in general in our friendships we kind of give and take emotions-wise. The fact that she won't be around anymore would change the level of my feelings to her? Would I love her less just because she will not be in my 'inner circle' anymore? She won't be here to call, to listen to me.
Bullshit, I said. Who said we can't love our friends more than they love us, unconditionally without letting them know. The feeling of love experienced is wonderful it does not expects anything and doesn't ask back.
This is how it came to me, that same as when having relationships we can also love in friendships, unconditionally. From this point, it does not matter how much she would be there for me. My feelings are steady and they make me happy.
As we walked together, the moon was coming up on the horizon. And it was enormous, I have never seen it this big, especially not while living in this big city. Big moon in the big city. And we are in it, small people with our small things to carry on with.
I wish that with this moon may all that no longer serves you or make you unhappy would vanish. A period would end, and something new and fresh would start.
'Thank you.' She said.
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
Part from the book Sulamith's wonderful life
I lived two lives. One, before the Big Catastrophe, and one after.
In my first life, I would have this strange vivid dreams. They appeared as they would be some kind of answers or clues to my ever-hovering unconscious question looming in the static like some kind of flash of electricity into the rainy night- about my origins. To questions about who I really am, and what is my purpose on this absurd and terrifying place.
I sought to remember what was lost, erased from my memories. What remained, were mere feelings. They were my keys opening rooms in my mind. People, happenings, number of years were swept with one enormous hand that wasn't God's, just like someone sweeps flour from the kitchen table.
It's 2015's end of October and I had one of those dreams again. I am in the war of Afghanistan or Iraq. I'm a reporter or a journalist. I'm going on the usual way, to the city. I hear gunshots and people running. I want to run back, but my way is barricaded. There is a man with a large car like a van. The one you go through the desert with. He sees me, opens the door and I jump in. He has a turban. I know he is a good man because he's saving my life. We're trying to hide in his car from the bullets. We're driving off. He knows that I'm there to help. He shouts to me: tell them you're an independent, tell them you're an independent! But I'm too afraid to get out if his car, because they will shoot me. I just stay with him, the last person I see.
In my first life, I would have this strange vivid dreams. They appeared as they would be some kind of answers or clues to my ever-hovering unconscious question looming in the static like some kind of flash of electricity into the rainy night- about my origins. To questions about who I really am, and what is my purpose on this absurd and terrifying place.
I sought to remember what was lost, erased from my memories. What remained, were mere feelings. They were my keys opening rooms in my mind. People, happenings, number of years were swept with one enormous hand that wasn't God's, just like someone sweeps flour from the kitchen table.
It's 2015's end of October and I had one of those dreams again. I am in the war of Afghanistan or Iraq. I'm a reporter or a journalist. I'm going on the usual way, to the city. I hear gunshots and people running. I want to run back, but my way is barricaded. There is a man with a large car like a van. The one you go through the desert with. He sees me, opens the door and I jump in. He has a turban. I know he is a good man because he's saving my life. We're trying to hide in his car from the bullets. We're driving off. He knows that I'm there to help. He shouts to me: tell them you're an independent, tell them you're an independent! But I'm too afraid to get out if his car, because they will shoot me. I just stay with him, the last person I see.
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
I had a dream with D October 20
I have one relationship that did not have an ending. I'm over it, really. Long time past by. It's just we did not have a chance to close it properly. We did not talk about what was wrong or right: I just cut it down and he did not disagree. That's how our romance ended: without a decent ending.
He came however in my dreams, many times. In these dreams every time he wanted to start it over, but I said no. I guess it was too painful for me that he withdrew emotionally when I needed him the most.
This morning I woke up remembering my dream and he was in it. I was in my home city with my mum and we walked next to the cinema hall at the bus stop not far from the place where I spent my first weeks. As we passed the bus stop I saw him with his colleague girl and a few other people including one blonde girl I wasn't able to recognise. I think there was a romantic connection between them, what's what I observed from my dream. I became very happy to see him again and wanted to approach them to say hi. Just like friends. And here, he did a movement with his hand quite angrily kind of showing me to back off, like when you sweep things under the carpet in order to forget them. I turned around and left with my mum. It hurt me in my dream, that even after many years he could not talk to me like friends. Like the whole thing meant nothing for him.
In reality I am so happy I made that decision to break up with him.
He came however in my dreams, many times. In these dreams every time he wanted to start it over, but I said no. I guess it was too painful for me that he withdrew emotionally when I needed him the most.
This morning I woke up remembering my dream and he was in it. I was in my home city with my mum and we walked next to the cinema hall at the bus stop not far from the place where I spent my first weeks. As we passed the bus stop I saw him with his colleague girl and a few other people including one blonde girl I wasn't able to recognise. I think there was a romantic connection between them, what's what I observed from my dream. I became very happy to see him again and wanted to approach them to say hi. Just like friends. And here, he did a movement with his hand quite angrily kind of showing me to back off, like when you sweep things under the carpet in order to forget them. I turned around and left with my mum. It hurt me in my dream, that even after many years he could not talk to me like friends. Like the whole thing meant nothing for him.
In reality I am so happy I made that decision to break up with him.
About the fear of 'I have nothing to say' October 20
I went for a run today. Then I walked while I marvelled at the nature around me. Being away gave me time to think and concentrate on what I want to achieve in my near future.
A picture of me talking publicly came up in my imagination. I asked myself 'how am I going to achieve this'? Then I had this sudden flush in my head, a feeling through my body like a sentence saying 'but I have nothing to say'. I could recognise it was definitely a limiting belief. But where was it coming from? I have never failed in public speaking before.
And here I saw a moment in my imagination, traced far in my past when I was a student in my school. I had to recitate to my head teacher. It was one of the first classes in the first year. I knew, that I did not study in terms of memorising but I could talk about the matter. As I always did, intuitively.
But what happened is that I received a bad mark from the teacher, because she said that is not enough or not right how I study and I need to memorise and talk logically about the subjects, coming up with the facts only in the right order. From this point, I just tried to remember these facts, written by other people.
Here I am standing at the beginning of my career. I don't need to recite other people's thoughts. It is not about this anymore: it's about me, giving myself, my knowledge to the world. I can do it as it should be: intuitively.
This is how I recognised an internal conflict within myself and classified it as a limiting belief. I am thinking about how to eliminate it. Maybe I should go back in time and speak to my 15 years old self.
And what would you say to her?
-That she was just different from other children, who needed to learn by rules. Her knowledge is wisdom, not logic or IQ.
I would also use Boundary Tapping here and notice, that with my 15 years old self, my current self is beginning to feel better. Lighter. More capable of achieving.
-You have something to say. Quite frankly, you have something important to say to everyone. And you can access this inner wisdom at any time.
A picture of me talking publicly came up in my imagination. I asked myself 'how am I going to achieve this'? Then I had this sudden flush in my head, a feeling through my body like a sentence saying 'but I have nothing to say'. I could recognise it was definitely a limiting belief. But where was it coming from? I have never failed in public speaking before.
And here I saw a moment in my imagination, traced far in my past when I was a student in my school. I had to recitate to my head teacher. It was one of the first classes in the first year. I knew, that I did not study in terms of memorising but I could talk about the matter. As I always did, intuitively.
But what happened is that I received a bad mark from the teacher, because she said that is not enough or not right how I study and I need to memorise and talk logically about the subjects, coming up with the facts only in the right order. From this point, I just tried to remember these facts, written by other people.
Here I am standing at the beginning of my career. I don't need to recite other people's thoughts. It is not about this anymore: it's about me, giving myself, my knowledge to the world. I can do it as it should be: intuitively.
This is how I recognised an internal conflict within myself and classified it as a limiting belief. I am thinking about how to eliminate it. Maybe I should go back in time and speak to my 15 years old self.
And what would you say to her?
-That she was just different from other children, who needed to learn by rules. Her knowledge is wisdom, not logic or IQ.
I would also use Boundary Tapping here and notice, that with my 15 years old self, my current self is beginning to feel better. Lighter. More capable of achieving.
-You have something to say. Quite frankly, you have something important to say to everyone. And you can access this inner wisdom at any time.
Saturday, 17 October 2015
Don't let yourself be misled by awful movies October 17
The best books I read in my life I found by awful trailers. That's my secret.
I saw a random trailer, I found out it is a film adaptation of some fiction, then I did a little research and ended up finding pretty good books (that I would not normally choose).
This is how I came across:
The time traveller's wife
Summer of love
The hunger games
Matilda
Perfume
Ender's game (I've been reading it for over one year now!)
Lolita (The book and the movie qually took my high appreciation)
And there are also movies way better than their initial hardback (if the author gets lucky) versions, but they're in minority. Like 'The Hours'.
It is a dangerous experiment to turn an amazing book into amazing movie. Books should stay where they are, on the shelves or in people's imagination. After all, the movies' script is written by another person like you or me.
My newest on the list is 'John dies at the end'.
I saw a random trailer, I found out it is a film adaptation of some fiction, then I did a little research and ended up finding pretty good books (that I would not normally choose).
This is how I came across:
The time traveller's wife
Summer of love
The hunger games
Matilda
Perfume
Ender's game (I've been reading it for over one year now!)
Lolita (The book and the movie qually took my high appreciation)
And there are also movies way better than their initial hardback (if the author gets lucky) versions, but they're in minority. Like 'The Hours'.
It is a dangerous experiment to turn an amazing book into amazing movie. Books should stay where they are, on the shelves or in people's imagination. After all, the movies' script is written by another person like you or me.
My newest on the list is 'John dies at the end'.
Thursday, 8 October 2015
I wish for my mother October 8
I wish that my mother experienced lasting happiness in her life. That she met someone who truly loved her for who she is, without wanting to change her or telling her what to do. An honest, empathic person with a big heart. That she would not have the need to use tricks to make the person stay, being unafraid of abandonment by the other person.
I wish her to meet a man, who would love her very much and in his company she would feel loved and understood.
Please angels.
I don't know how my life would be, if I didn't meet him, but I'm sure I would feel very sad and lost time to time.
I wish her to meet a man, who would love her very much and in his company she would feel loved and understood.
Please angels.
I don't know how my life would be, if I didn't meet him, but I'm sure I would feel very sad and lost time to time.
Tuesday, 6 October 2015
Hello October
Hello October
Hello colder nights,
Hello longer nights,
Hello wool socks at home,
Indoor pubs and record stores,
Hello Oktoberfest and Halloween!
Fancy dresses and face painting,
Hot mulled wine and photo taking,
Calling friends to get together,
Staying in and cooking for them.
Switching the heating on,
Watching the red moon on the horizon.
Reading a favourite book
Under the thick duvet,
Putting on fuzzy scarf at night,
Marvelling at the fairy lights,
Hello October!
Hello longer nights,
Hello wool socks at home,
Indoor pubs and record stores,
Hello Oktoberfest and Halloween!
Fancy dresses and face painting,
Hot mulled wine and photo taking,
Calling friends to get together,
Staying in and cooking for them.
Switching the heating on,
Watching the red moon on the horizon.
Reading a favourite book
Under the thick duvet,
Putting on fuzzy scarf at night,
Marvelling at the fairy lights,
Hello October!
An Autumn London Day October 6
My day yesterday had been really lovely. Advice: if you ever need to get out, have some minor argument with your partner so you will have a light heart and a reason to get out for one day and do anything you want, without telling anyone. The second important step, is that you should turn your phone off, so you can concentrate only on yourself. No friends' messages, no relatives' calls. Just you, for yourself.
Basically, I run away. I took the first bus that came and alighted at Holborn. I ate some fine sushi and decided to go to the National History Museum. On the way I came across and interesting bookstore, that belongs to the Swedenborg Society, on the window glass there was a notice with their upcoming events. I decided to take a notice of the Bloomsbury Festival Film Screening By Ourselves and An Evening of Dreams writer's discussion.
But I wanted to see the Crystal Skull. There was a documentary once this Summer on television, and since I really wished to meet with it in person too. To be honest I wanted it the first thing to do when I returned to London.
The legend of this skull attracted me, because many people said it has healing attributes and other paranormal phenomena. Like performing miracles. Legend says it was taken from the Ancient Mexicans, Mixtecs or even Mayas. Some people reported seeing future events or vibrant light when being at its presence.
What I recorded when standing just next to it:
Here I am, standing next to the Crystal Skull. I could not find it immediately by my intuition, means not sure it is what it is. How I feel next to it? I feel warmth, definitely. It is getting my messages. It has an aura, a warm one. I don't know what kind of knowledge is within it, but it is connected to life and death, flowers, spirit world. It gives me a good feeling.
I said goodbye to the skull and left the hall. Suddenly I thought about my dream with the scarab and ended up buying a necklace with a large scarab medal. Here it is.
Basically, I run away. I took the first bus that came and alighted at Holborn. I ate some fine sushi and decided to go to the National History Museum. On the way I came across and interesting bookstore, that belongs to the Swedenborg Society, on the window glass there was a notice with their upcoming events. I decided to take a notice of the Bloomsbury Festival Film Screening By Ourselves and An Evening of Dreams writer's discussion.
But I wanted to see the Crystal Skull. There was a documentary once this Summer on television, and since I really wished to meet with it in person too. To be honest I wanted it the first thing to do when I returned to London.
The legend of this skull attracted me, because many people said it has healing attributes and other paranormal phenomena. Like performing miracles. Legend says it was taken from the Ancient Mexicans, Mixtecs or even Mayas. Some people reported seeing future events or vibrant light when being at its presence.
What I recorded when standing just next to it:
Here I am, standing next to the Crystal Skull. I could not find it immediately by my intuition, means not sure it is what it is. How I feel next to it? I feel warmth, definitely. It is getting my messages. It has an aura, a warm one. I don't know what kind of knowledge is within it, but it is connected to life and death, flowers, spirit world. It gives me a good feeling.
I said goodbye to the skull and left the hall. Suddenly I thought about my dream with the scarab and ended up buying a necklace with a large scarab medal. Here it is.
I really like it, I'm wearing it since. This is how I would like to show a special tribute of respect and remembering of Eliot. It protects me. I asked for blessing of the Crystal Skull and the large Easter Island statue and made my way out fast.
I walked to my favourite part of London, Covent Garden. On Neal's Street and Monmouth Street there are two mystic shops, located very close to each other. In between, there is a little piece of earthy heaven, the Neal's Yard. I bought a crystal in one of the shops, a yellow Aventurine and checked cards in the other store. I noticed that it was a lot of young customers, it is nice to see this generation's interest in esoteric.
Neal's Yard changed again since, new shops opened and the old ones closed their gates. There was however a nice new vegan restaurant on the second floor, the Wild Food Cafe. I saw some interesting and colourful creatures sitting and chatting inside, but that just belongs to the atmosphere of this enchanted and bewitching yard.
I left Covent Garden and continued walking on Denmark Street. On the way, there was an open Parish Church that had a very nice incense smell however it was completely empty and a bit dark so I left shortly.
After walking through Denmark Street, I ended up in my beloved bookstore, the Foyles. When I came inside to my wonder the interior changed, they made a large and bright staircase in the middle and I don't remember if before, but now it had 5-6 floors to browse. Unfortunately, the Jazz Cafe closed but another opened on floor 5, next to a Japanese exhibition. (Uh, I forgot to check it out, that's a reason to return!)
I ordered Guinness Chocolate cake, a bottle of raspberry soda and soya latte. Everything was very pleasant in this little hidden oasis, as I enjoyed the ambience and the books with another 30 book loving artistic free spirits, some of them hiding behind their laptops, others just browsing their selected books from the store.
I went home quite late yesterday.
Monday, 5 October 2015
Going against the system October 5
What if someone, what happens if someone does something completely unpredictable against the system? Let's say, from this moment I empty all my accounts and take the first plane to somewhere where I have not been before and where I know no one, starting a brand new life?
Becoming someone else. With a new name. Erasing everything from my previous life. Changing hair, voice, character and personality. Going wild and bold, detaching myself from the society, from myself.
I felt excitement and joy when I thought about all these.
In the play 'Closer' the girl whose role was played by Natalie Portman (Alice) had done something like this. Just left everything behind. How was she like? She was very brave, honest to the people around her and most importantly, she was honest to herself.
Becoming someone else. With a new name. Erasing everything from my previous life. Changing hair, voice, character and personality. Going wild and bold, detaching myself from the society, from myself.
I felt excitement and joy when I thought about all these.
In the play 'Closer' the girl whose role was played by Natalie Portman (Alice) had done something like this. Just left everything behind. How was she like? She was very brave, honest to the people around her and most importantly, she was honest to herself.
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Reboot and retest October 4 Sunday
I don't know how to explain it, but in some happenings this year's back coming to London is very similar to last year's, however it feels more sophisticated.
Like it's a replay of some of my tests, challenges of my own successes and failures, to show that I've learnt from my errors, to prove my strength of swiftness.
I am definitely meeting with the same people at the same time, and some of them are still having the same problems like last year. Interesting, that friends call me very often to complain about their life, but as He said it too, no one calls me to confirm that the weather is being brilliant this week. Will it lead to the place of the complete separation from the society, will I be with no friend after all, if my own company is the best place to be at, the one that makes me the happiest and at ease?
Like it's a replay of some of my tests, challenges of my own successes and failures, to show that I've learnt from my errors, to prove my strength of swiftness.
I am definitely meeting with the same people at the same time, and some of them are still having the same problems like last year. Interesting, that friends call me very often to complain about their life, but as He said it too, no one calls me to confirm that the weather is being brilliant this week. Will it lead to the place of the complete separation from the society, will I be with no friend after all, if my own company is the best place to be at, the one that makes me the happiest and at ease?
My card is the Prudence October 4 Sunday
Carefully, I'm shuffling the cards. I take some time to tune into it. I have no questions to be asked, no thoughts to be discovered. I choose one card and got the card of Prudence.
Being ready is the key importance of this game.
Being ready for my new job.
Being ready for new challenges.
Being ready for new people to meet.
Being ready for being ready.
I'm calm like a pond and steady like an oak tree. Whatever happens, nothing can make an effect on how I feel right now. I am in the centre of my own universe. Finding this point, nothing can levitate me from here.
Being ready is the key importance of this game.
Being ready for my new job.
Being ready for new challenges.
Being ready for new people to meet.
Being ready for being ready.
I'm calm like a pond and steady like an oak tree. Whatever happens, nothing can make an effect on how I feel right now. I am in the centre of my own universe. Finding this point, nothing can levitate me from here.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
The sweetness of doing nothing September 27 Sunday night
I've been back in London since Wednesday.
Lot of things were done, like finished an article for some magazine, uploaded the pictures from travelling, emailed them too, spoke to mother, cooked three times (I'm so back on this track, however choosing fast options so far!), had one fight with Him about happiness, organised my balcony garden (saved a little tree), cleaned out the freezer, gave all frozen unused food to my neighbour, called the fixer (from today there wasn't hot water in the house), had one very quality-naughty night with Him (surprised him with the beautiful black one piece lingerie). On the whole, I'm trying to adopt this big city. I want to get into it's bloodstream, again. I went out on Friday night but returned home at 2 AM with Him.
It's good to be back. I am happy to come back. I'm just afraid to fall back into the routines of last year. I haven't met with any of my London friends yet, not as I have a lot. Cancelled a meditation group today.
It is not like it was last year at this time. I learnt a lot about myself. This September I was confident and self-determined about starting over again.
Still, seeing three aeroplanes heading into one direction makes me wonder, how many planes are departing and landing with countless number people looking forward to something new. There are a few stars too barely apparent in the cold autumn sky.
He likes to play for me nearly every evening, and I enjoy listening to it. Like there is nothing else to do right now, just play music, enjoying together the sweet nothingness.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I need to start looking for job.
Lot of things were done, like finished an article for some magazine, uploaded the pictures from travelling, emailed them too, spoke to mother, cooked three times (I'm so back on this track, however choosing fast options so far!), had one fight with Him about happiness, organised my balcony garden (saved a little tree), cleaned out the freezer, gave all frozen unused food to my neighbour, called the fixer (from today there wasn't hot water in the house), had one very quality-naughty night with Him (surprised him with the beautiful black one piece lingerie). On the whole, I'm trying to adopt this big city. I want to get into it's bloodstream, again. I went out on Friday night but returned home at 2 AM with Him.
It's good to be back. I am happy to come back. I'm just afraid to fall back into the routines of last year. I haven't met with any of my London friends yet, not as I have a lot. Cancelled a meditation group today.
It is not like it was last year at this time. I learnt a lot about myself. This September I was confident and self-determined about starting over again.
Still, seeing three aeroplanes heading into one direction makes me wonder, how many planes are departing and landing with countless number people looking forward to something new. There are a few stars too barely apparent in the cold autumn sky.
He likes to play for me nearly every evening, and I enjoy listening to it. Like there is nothing else to do right now, just play music, enjoying together the sweet nothingness.
Tomorrow is Monday, and I need to start looking for job.
Thursday, 24 September 2015
Blog entry for September 16
I was riding my bike in the city where I grew up. It was an
unusually warm September evening. I went to places I haven’t visited for very
long. It was nice to be alone again. I biked through the district, went up to
the gate of the smaller river. The sun was setting down between the trees on
the riverside. It made me wonder, that how fast the trees grew tall and strong. I
witnessed when they were planted. I saw some friends walking their dogs.
Everything seemed so cosy. I met a couple under the bridge with a little boy;
the girl was hanging her legs into the water. The water was clear; they were
studying the things seen on the bottom of it.
The ice-cream seller was already closed so I carried myself
to the other gate, behind the first bridge, biked through the passage. I saw
the old hospital, it was completely abandoned and empty, the bushes made they
ways all over it. I love spooky building. The windows were broken in some
places and I could see inside the rooms and corridors. In the past, this
hospital was busy and full of doctors, nurses going about their work day to
day. I saw some beautiful little houses behind the hospital with nicely
decorated csinos, gondozott gardens. Some people found their homes in this tiny
city.
The second bridge was the same as I left it including
everything many years ago. It was seemingly touched by the hands of time.
I turned left into the wealthy quarter. On the house I
adored before, there was a large FOR SALE sign. It was the best one on that
street. Even the beautiful ones are going to be sold, I thought.
Then I saw the Artist’s Place and I went inside. I knew it’s
a private territory but I could not care. There were some really beautiful
statues inside, some of the half-ready. Many statue heads were lining up in one
raw, all looking at me. I took pictures.
Then I went to the place to the big gate behind the church
and the pharmacy, where we used to go as children with my friends. Nothing
changed apart from few trees were being cut completely. We crossed our ways
with another young woman with long black hair walking her dog, she looked at me
like she knew me then pulled her eyes down when passing by me.
I biked through the walking passage of the park on the river
side. People were walking, eating ice-cream enjoying this warm autumn evening,
just as I did. I stopped at the new bridge looking at the statues in the
fountains then at the sky. It had some lines on the blue canvas and I could
clearly see the new moon, shining down with a thin slice.
I spend the rest of the evening sitting on the bench at the
main church, until it got dark. The bird songs, the shadows of the pane trees
and the sculptures around me created an utterly peaceful, calm and beautiful
atmosphere. There was a new statue, the saint of the city. I asked him to look
after it while I’m away. However, I couldn’t say more as I remembered I don’t
have lights on my bike.
People come and go, places changing and the seasons are
following each other in some perfect order. There must be some higher power to
hold everything together.
On the way home I popped into a shop and bought a bottle beer
for myself, preparing for spending the whole night alone.
When I got home, I routinely turned on the radio. The first
song coming through was Enigma’s Return to innocence, breaking the silence of
the rooms.
Saturday, 5 September 2015
Getting ready for the ending September 5
There is a word in Portuguese that can not be transcribed by any other language. It's very unique. Even it's pronunciation sounds like a velvety melody to the ear: saudade.
It's definition (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains". I don't know how it will come to me to leave this place, but I believe this word is the closest to describe. It's like I'm losing the way to the paradise.
A whole cycle is completed. Although I am not quite there yet, but now I acquired all the tools I need to approach my destination. I came over finally all the things that happened to me in 2013. I understood why they happened, I accepted them and practiced forgiving. Including towards myself. There are no more excuses, and I don't blame anyone anymore. I am responsABLE for my life.
I know that this will be the beginning of something new and interesting. I can prove all that I learnt. Still, I will miss this place. It taught me so much. It made me appreciate things in my life, to understand how fragile life is. That I have no time for stagnation or hesitancy.
Two months are needed to get used to a new place of living, I told Him today in the car. Recently there are a lot of wise conversations going on between us on the way to sea or back. Two weeks are necessary to get your head around and learn about your new surroundings, meanwhile finding your local routines, one month needed to adopt the environment and to get used to it, and nearly two months to become a part of it, start loving it, as it is. That is my advice to the travellers of the world. After two months you will feel saudade about leaving your place.
It's definition (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains". I don't know how it will come to me to leave this place, but I believe this word is the closest to describe. It's like I'm losing the way to the paradise.
A whole cycle is completed. Although I am not quite there yet, but now I acquired all the tools I need to approach my destination. I came over finally all the things that happened to me in 2013. I understood why they happened, I accepted them and practiced forgiving. Including towards myself. There are no more excuses, and I don't blame anyone anymore. I am responsABLE for my life.
I know that this will be the beginning of something new and interesting. I can prove all that I learnt. Still, I will miss this place. It taught me so much. It made me appreciate things in my life, to understand how fragile life is. That I have no time for stagnation or hesitancy.
Two months are needed to get used to a new place of living, I told Him today in the car. Recently there are a lot of wise conversations going on between us on the way to sea or back. Two weeks are necessary to get your head around and learn about your new surroundings, meanwhile finding your local routines, one month needed to adopt the environment and to get used to it, and nearly two months to become a part of it, start loving it, as it is. That is my advice to the travellers of the world. After two months you will feel saudade about leaving your place.
Tuesday, 1 September 2015
Hello Autumn September 1
The ending and beginning of seasons had always bared unique significance for me. Yesterday was the last day of Summer so we said goodbye. The sunsets are approaching earlier and the air is colder, and when the crispy evening wind breezes the back of my neck, I grasp how inevitably fast is the reaching of Autumn affecting everything on its way, including me.
I am excited about it. I'm recalling the feeling of walking on the rainy pavements of London, disappearing in long wool knit scarf, visiting museums, theatre opening plays and coming out when it's already dark outside, drinking hot chocolate, breathing in the humid and crispy air, celebrating Halloween with friends, dedicating time to costume making, cooking pumpkin risotto, reading novels about the beauty of decay, mingling in the crowds on the transport and streets while you listen to your beloved songs, marveling the lights of the city while dreaming about being in other places.
With all these treasures, I'm actually looking forward to returning.
I am excited about it. I'm recalling the feeling of walking on the rainy pavements of London, disappearing in long wool knit scarf, visiting museums, theatre opening plays and coming out when it's already dark outside, drinking hot chocolate, breathing in the humid and crispy air, celebrating Halloween with friends, dedicating time to costume making, cooking pumpkin risotto, reading novels about the beauty of decay, mingling in the crowds on the transport and streets while you listen to your beloved songs, marveling the lights of the city while dreaming about being in other places.
With all these treasures, I'm actually looking forward to returning.
Sunday, 30 August 2015
Full moon rising August 30 Sunday
Purposefully, I am not counting back the days. I'm leaving fairly soon.
I wanted to write about cycles. How I felt last night, that with yesterday's supermoon a whole cycle was completed. From summer to summer. One year of learning, one chapter in my life, one period, one turnover, one loop closed its gates behind me. I became different, the best of what I had ever been.
'Give me your blessing!' I shouted to the sea. The wave that touched my body through my legs came from every direction south, east, north, west, arrowing toward me. It gave me a stone. It's white. It will bring me immense luck.
The supermoon rising was phenomenal. We made fire and ate fish smoked over the smouldering brand. This was the night of lights, with the moonlight reflecting glittering on the sea's surface, with the fire's sparks floating upwards in the dark sky and with the firework in the distance exploded on the other side of the coast.
One of my summer wishes came true. I saw a shooting star. I made a wish for Him.
I wanted to write about cycles. How I felt last night, that with yesterday's supermoon a whole cycle was completed. From summer to summer. One year of learning, one chapter in my life, one period, one turnover, one loop closed its gates behind me. I became different, the best of what I had ever been.
'Give me your blessing!' I shouted to the sea. The wave that touched my body through my legs came from every direction south, east, north, west, arrowing toward me. It gave me a stone. It's white. It will bring me immense luck.
The supermoon rising was phenomenal. We made fire and ate fish smoked over the smouldering brand. This was the night of lights, with the moonlight reflecting glittering on the sea's surface, with the fire's sparks floating upwards in the dark sky and with the firework in the distance exploded on the other side of the coast.
One of my summer wishes came true. I saw a shooting star. I made a wish for Him.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Blueprint August 26
Exactly one year ago I was exactly here in this place of the globe.
I've heard that we can relate life events to places as much as we can experience flashbacks into the past and recall memories with particular smells.
The sea is beautiful just as it was last year and entirely calm.
When I think about going back to London, I have no fears comparing to last year. I was not looking forward to the trip back. Now I'm different. I had the necessary time to heal, to be alone and to contemplate on my future. Although I do know that I am not perfect having my own flows, I took big steps towards improving several parts of my personality, or rather changing feelings in those areas, my approach to them.
Procrastination was one of them. Now we're standing face to face. I can look into its eyes. Interestingly I had a dream about this few days ago, that I performed exorcism on myself. I had to look at myself in a mirror and I saw in my eyes there was an entity. I looked very bravely and I think I scared it away, I saw it coming out of my facial features. It hissed at me.
After being here, I need to remind myself of cleansing my mind regularly. It really helps. Meditating every day, listening to my favourite music, singing and enjoying life. Smiling, vibrating good energy around me.
I'm not afraid of dying as much as before. I asked for it, and saw my future. It is wonderful full of miracles. Finally, I have to courage to perform acts of service and compassion. For myself. For the sake of my own mission.
Thank you for being so patient with me, for loving me even when I did not love myself enough.
I asked for signs and guidance and I was given. There must me something tremendous behind this all.
I found a feather on my bed this morning.
I've heard that we can relate life events to places as much as we can experience flashbacks into the past and recall memories with particular smells.
The sea is beautiful just as it was last year and entirely calm.
When I think about going back to London, I have no fears comparing to last year. I was not looking forward to the trip back. Now I'm different. I had the necessary time to heal, to be alone and to contemplate on my future. Although I do know that I am not perfect having my own flows, I took big steps towards improving several parts of my personality, or rather changing feelings in those areas, my approach to them.
Procrastination was one of them. Now we're standing face to face. I can look into its eyes. Interestingly I had a dream about this few days ago, that I performed exorcism on myself. I had to look at myself in a mirror and I saw in my eyes there was an entity. I looked very bravely and I think I scared it away, I saw it coming out of my facial features. It hissed at me.
After being here, I need to remind myself of cleansing my mind regularly. It really helps. Meditating every day, listening to my favourite music, singing and enjoying life. Smiling, vibrating good energy around me.
I'm not afraid of dying as much as before. I asked for it, and saw my future. It is wonderful full of miracles. Finally, I have to courage to perform acts of service and compassion. For myself. For the sake of my own mission.
Thank you for being so patient with me, for loving me even when I did not love myself enough.
I asked for signs and guidance and I was given. There must me something tremendous behind this all.
I found a feather on my bed this morning.
Sunday, 23 August 2015
Seeing something in people August 23
What I see in people and what I value in them is always changing.
As I grow older and change myself too I recognise what they live for, what ideology they follow or what they believe in. Which side they have taken in life, what they fight for. Perhaps I see in them things that I find in myself too, evolving and coming into surface.
For example, I noticed that my friend C talks many times about humanitarian topics. Against wars and for the sake of equality in humankind. As I am taking my own individual position opinion wise, his words are becoming interesting to me.
Before, I wanted to have friends I can count on. Friends that we share same interest with, true and faithful friends. I realised, no one can promise fidelity as we tend to adrift like snowflakes from one to another, and the person who lives in your memory is not the same person who is present, we change, move on.
Even before this, when I was young I looked for friends who appreciated me and saw the best in me, who were there for me in times of crises. Now I understand, that what I was looking for in others, I wanted to find in myself.
My dream 23 August Sunday morning
My dream was very vivid and I woke up still feeling it very strong.
It was long time ago in history. I loved a young man maybe called Tom. He was not treating me very well. I wanted to end the relationship with him. Then another another man came, he loved me, cared about me and he was very wealthy. He was some kind of researcher or teacher or even an explorer in Egypt, he had one of those beige hats and looked like Indiana Jones, but his hair was blonde and had full body type. I knew if I marry him, I would never have to worry about anything. His name was Elliott, I clearly remember this. Even though I knew eventually I could love him, my heart was beating for someone else, for the young guy.
Anyway, we were supposed to have a wedding and I looked down at my left hand and I saw that I had his ring and my ring melted into one ring, and it had the Scarab. It was Elliott's ring from his university or the place he worked for. A scarab ring.
I panicked and just before going into the building, I told Elliot that I need to tell him something. He was very understanding took my hand and listened to me. I said that I'm afraid of the marriage. I said that I don't want to become one of those couples who after years just sit next to each other, and have nothing to say to another. It's so sad. He comforted me and said don't worry. We'll not be. Let's just try it. He gives me all the time I need. He was truly amazing.
But I was so stupid, because I wanted to be with Tom, the young guy. He was also poor and not very educated. We shared a passionate and young kind of love. I was looking for him from the hotel's (or some sort of bar) window the next day. And when he came, I saw that he has flowers. I did not come out, I thought he will understand this though he didn't know that I got married to Elliot. He left after some time, and I went out taking the same route as him, or meet him on the way. I was in a carriage with horses. I looked ta him from the window. He saw me and threw the flowers on the floor. I knew it's going to be over. So I run into my destiny, and met him and spent time with him. (I think my husband was away on some trip) I knew, that the whole situation will exploit in some time because they will know about each other and I will never come out clean of this terrible situation, so I just enjoyed the last moments with my love. Untill he loved me trusting.
It happened to me, it was in my past life. Elliott, I am terribly sorry. I should have stayed with you. You could have gave me protection, happiness and the caring type of love.
I don't know if reincarnation exists, but if there is some grand design that makes us forget our past lives, I understand the importance and purpose of it. I'm still in my dream, having the strong feelings felt, trying to find Elliott (maybe Williams) in history, wanting to make things differently or at least to find out, if all these really happened. I know it did, I feel it.
I want to purchase a scarab ring in London for myself.
It was long time ago in history. I loved a young man maybe called Tom. He was not treating me very well. I wanted to end the relationship with him. Then another another man came, he loved me, cared about me and he was very wealthy. He was some kind of researcher or teacher or even an explorer in Egypt, he had one of those beige hats and looked like Indiana Jones, but his hair was blonde and had full body type. I knew if I marry him, I would never have to worry about anything. His name was Elliott, I clearly remember this. Even though I knew eventually I could love him, my heart was beating for someone else, for the young guy.
Anyway, we were supposed to have a wedding and I looked down at my left hand and I saw that I had his ring and my ring melted into one ring, and it had the Scarab. It was Elliott's ring from his university or the place he worked for. A scarab ring.
I panicked and just before going into the building, I told Elliot that I need to tell him something. He was very understanding took my hand and listened to me. I said that I'm afraid of the marriage. I said that I don't want to become one of those couples who after years just sit next to each other, and have nothing to say to another. It's so sad. He comforted me and said don't worry. We'll not be. Let's just try it. He gives me all the time I need. He was truly amazing.
But I was so stupid, because I wanted to be with Tom, the young guy. He was also poor and not very educated. We shared a passionate and young kind of love. I was looking for him from the hotel's (or some sort of bar) window the next day. And when he came, I saw that he has flowers. I did not come out, I thought he will understand this though he didn't know that I got married to Elliot. He left after some time, and I went out taking the same route as him, or meet him on the way. I was in a carriage with horses. I looked ta him from the window. He saw me and threw the flowers on the floor. I knew it's going to be over. So I run into my destiny, and met him and spent time with him. (I think my husband was away on some trip) I knew, that the whole situation will exploit in some time because they will know about each other and I will never come out clean of this terrible situation, so I just enjoyed the last moments with my love. Untill he loved me trusting.
It happened to me, it was in my past life. Elliott, I am terribly sorry. I should have stayed with you. You could have gave me protection, happiness and the caring type of love.
I don't know if reincarnation exists, but if there is some grand design that makes us forget our past lives, I understand the importance and purpose of it. I'm still in my dream, having the strong feelings felt, trying to find Elliott (maybe Williams) in history, wanting to make things differently or at least to find out, if all these really happened. I know it did, I feel it.
I want to purchase a scarab ring in London for myself.
Thursday, 20 August 2015
About wishes August 20
I asked Him yesterday, if he believes that every time we help someone unconditionally, a wish of ours comes true.
He said certainly.
Then I said, now I have two years of wishes to come true. I stopped wishing two years ago.
It's time to wish again.
He said certainly.
Then I said, now I have two years of wishes to come true. I stopped wishing two years ago.
It's time to wish again.
Our trip to Praia A Mare August 16-17
We're already back.
I don't know if I'll be able to find the right words to describe this trip.
First I would like to share what I had learnt during our journey.
Most of all, I changed the energy around me. I feel more light and looking more towards the future. I understood, that I tend to worry too much about things that do not exist or that should not make me worry this much. I am scared at times. I need to trust the process of life more. I need to feel, that I was not left alone. There is something on the other side, that watches over me and helping. I need to keep my faith in the universe. I don't have to manage all by myself, on my own. I can ask for support. I have the right to do it. I am loved.
I also learnt, that sometimes things could turn out to be great. If you believe in it, you can become lucky.
So much can change if you choose to think positive like a strong person. Everything can change in a few days.
Here is one of the pictures I took, and I will begin to describe this wonderful and interesting trip.
We left on 16th Sunday morning around 10 AM. I felt a bit tired from the beginning. He packed the bags (that I have later regretted because we missed a couple of things) and I selected the clothes. I took hundreds of pictures from the car on the way there and painted my nails into orange colour. He took a special way on the coast line that was slightly longer but we could drive our way through serpentines and mountains next to the panoramic view of the blue sea. This sea was the Tyrrhenian Sea. As we were passing by one village to another, my eyes caught several old castles built on the mountains' tops. South Italy is full of history. It is a mystical, enigmatic and curious place for me. I'm sure it's overflowing with magic spells, alchemy and legends that simple agricultural working people were telling each other by the fire from one generation to another. It makes me want to go into the middle of it's mysterious fog, to see pictures inside, coming from the far past. Children running through the grape fields, girls sewing beautiful flower patterns into cloth napkins, working people getting up in the morning before the sunrise to look after the land that will appreciate their effort by providing food on the table, bread and vegetables.
But let me to continue with our trip. I was feeling free and careless while he drove the car, putting my legs up on the dashboard and marvelling at the green scenery. It was such a summer feeling. However, just when we started to approach the area, we felt the wind getting stronger and saw the storm coming and above us the sky was extending in shades of dark grey colours.
There were pools on the road made up from rainwater and as we drove through them on high speed they obediently spreaded two ways arching up high.
The city seemed to be cold and abandoned by people, at the closed fun park I even noticed to Him 'It looks like a ghost town'.
We went to the place where the party was supposed to be started in the evening and here we were told by a rude woman, that it was cancelled and postponed for the following day, Monday.
It was very disappointing to hear this. We had a plan and now it vanished. We both thought about returning home, but I didn't want to give up on this trip. Not immediately at least, without even trying. We walked through the place to the beach that was full of colourful round stones, I picked a green one and he picked something else. It was a plastic shiny golden anchor. He gave it to me. I knew it has a meaning but now I found some interpretation for the symbolism it may represent, by Joseph "Joe" Panek:
http://www.aseekersthoughts.com/2012/02/anchor-as-symbol.html
I suggested him to look around for accommodation so we can stay for one more day. It seemed to be an impossible task to accomplish, as days before we were searching for a hotel or Bed&Breakfast room and either everything was full, either the prices were just way too high so we could not afford it. What is more, we were in the middle of high season plus the national celebration of summer and St Mary.
I've done something I have not done for the time I can remember. I asked the angels to help us. I wanted to apply the technique I read about from this little book about becoming magic. I wanted to test it of it works, if I can rely on it.
The first two-three places we went to ask were fully packed with people (even though no one was outdoors in the town) or the prices was just unacceptable. The third place we found from the backway. We went through it garden and waited in the lobby for the receptionist. It was also fully booked. We went out from the front and found ourselves on the main road. It had a walking pavement made of bricks and surrounded by trees from both sides. We say a hotel on the other side so we crossed the road. I like the place from the first sight. I asked to stay there. There was something calming about it and it had a beautiful grape garden. He spoke to the chubby receptionist that seemed to be a decent guy and turn to me explaining, that this hotel was full but there is a bungalow that we could take if we liked it. Show us then we asked. It was a house separated in the backyard. It had a double bed and a shower. It was affordable. We could not believe our luck. I was above the ground of happiness. We took it for one night. The receptionist guy told us to come back in one hour as it was not cleaned after the last guests, so we did. We went for ice cream and coffee on the main road.
Here we met a couple who asked us for light, the girl apparently worked in the beach club and gave us more information about the forthcoming party (a coincidence again).
We went back to the bungalow, had a shower and change clothes, took the camera and went to the beach. Here, I saw one of the most beautiful and spectacular views in my entire life. It was a sunset made in heaven. It was so surreal, the colours were so bright and perfect, like it was a painting. The sea was so strong and the waves were so high, kneeling far into the land. I felt utterly lucky to experience it. I was happy with my life, where I was and where I wanted to be in the future. It all, all the happenings of my life seemed to correlate to bring me back to this place where I was right in that moment. I loved everything around me, I became love.
We stayed for some time then went back for dinner in the hotel. It was alright. After dinner we walked into a cocktail bar, where I had way too many Alexander's. He was telling me about his past.
It was very sensual, fulfilled by our lust.
I had a good sleep, though felt a presence in the room we slept in. I made a kind deal with it and it let us alone for the night. However I woke up around 5 but shortly fell asleep with Him again holding each other tight.
We were waken up next morning by some dog's barking and snoring. The timing was good for breakfast. We later met with him, Dzimba the light grey pug. It was running around in the backyard making funny noises. We gave him some chocolate croissant leftover from breakfast and he left his poo next to our doorway in return.
As the breakfast was awful at the hotel we went back to the place we had the coffee the day before checking in and ordered proper Italian croissants and cappuccinos for us (I love this tradition may it live long life!) Luckily, it was a sunny day the skies were clearing up above us. We went back to check out then did some shopping and decided to have our lunch later on the beach. We parked and chose to hang out on a coast side just next to the bar so we would not have to go too far. The waves were still high so I went to swim only one time with Him and we waited for the afternoon to come.
The beach bar was beautiful especially in the sunset with the music played that we both love. The place had a spiritual hint with large buddha statues and beds, and resting areas decorated with white linens. We danced, drank and had fun. I took photos. He signed two of his records, it made us both very cheerful. We could have, but didn't want to stay longer saying that this trip was perfect as it was. Also he had to drive at night and I was falling asleep. On the way back I climbed onto the back seat and woke up only when I saw familiar building. We were home.
I don't know if I'll be able to find the right words to describe this trip.
First I would like to share what I had learnt during our journey.
Most of all, I changed the energy around me. I feel more light and looking more towards the future. I understood, that I tend to worry too much about things that do not exist or that should not make me worry this much. I am scared at times. I need to trust the process of life more. I need to feel, that I was not left alone. There is something on the other side, that watches over me and helping. I need to keep my faith in the universe. I don't have to manage all by myself, on my own. I can ask for support. I have the right to do it. I am loved.
I also learnt, that sometimes things could turn out to be great. If you believe in it, you can become lucky.
So much can change if you choose to think positive like a strong person. Everything can change in a few days.
Here is one of the pictures I took, and I will begin to describe this wonderful and interesting trip.
We left on 16th Sunday morning around 10 AM. I felt a bit tired from the beginning. He packed the bags (that I have later regretted because we missed a couple of things) and I selected the clothes. I took hundreds of pictures from the car on the way there and painted my nails into orange colour. He took a special way on the coast line that was slightly longer but we could drive our way through serpentines and mountains next to the panoramic view of the blue sea. This sea was the Tyrrhenian Sea. As we were passing by one village to another, my eyes caught several old castles built on the mountains' tops. South Italy is full of history. It is a mystical, enigmatic and curious place for me. I'm sure it's overflowing with magic spells, alchemy and legends that simple agricultural working people were telling each other by the fire from one generation to another. It makes me want to go into the middle of it's mysterious fog, to see pictures inside, coming from the far past. Children running through the grape fields, girls sewing beautiful flower patterns into cloth napkins, working people getting up in the morning before the sunrise to look after the land that will appreciate their effort by providing food on the table, bread and vegetables.
But let me to continue with our trip. I was feeling free and careless while he drove the car, putting my legs up on the dashboard and marvelling at the green scenery. It was such a summer feeling. However, just when we started to approach the area, we felt the wind getting stronger and saw the storm coming and above us the sky was extending in shades of dark grey colours.
There were pools on the road made up from rainwater and as we drove through them on high speed they obediently spreaded two ways arching up high.
The city seemed to be cold and abandoned by people, at the closed fun park I even noticed to Him 'It looks like a ghost town'.
We went to the place where the party was supposed to be started in the evening and here we were told by a rude woman, that it was cancelled and postponed for the following day, Monday.
It was very disappointing to hear this. We had a plan and now it vanished. We both thought about returning home, but I didn't want to give up on this trip. Not immediately at least, without even trying. We walked through the place to the beach that was full of colourful round stones, I picked a green one and he picked something else. It was a plastic shiny golden anchor. He gave it to me. I knew it has a meaning but now I found some interpretation for the symbolism it may represent, by Joseph "Joe" Panek:
http://www.aseekersthoughts.com/2012/02/anchor-as-symbol.html
I suggested him to look around for accommodation so we can stay for one more day. It seemed to be an impossible task to accomplish, as days before we were searching for a hotel or Bed&Breakfast room and either everything was full, either the prices were just way too high so we could not afford it. What is more, we were in the middle of high season plus the national celebration of summer and St Mary.
I've done something I have not done for the time I can remember. I asked the angels to help us. I wanted to apply the technique I read about from this little book about becoming magic. I wanted to test it of it works, if I can rely on it.
The first two-three places we went to ask were fully packed with people (even though no one was outdoors in the town) or the prices was just unacceptable. The third place we found from the backway. We went through it garden and waited in the lobby for the receptionist. It was also fully booked. We went out from the front and found ourselves on the main road. It had a walking pavement made of bricks and surrounded by trees from both sides. We say a hotel on the other side so we crossed the road. I like the place from the first sight. I asked to stay there. There was something calming about it and it had a beautiful grape garden. He spoke to the chubby receptionist that seemed to be a decent guy and turn to me explaining, that this hotel was full but there is a bungalow that we could take if we liked it. Show us then we asked. It was a house separated in the backyard. It had a double bed and a shower. It was affordable. We could not believe our luck. I was above the ground of happiness. We took it for one night. The receptionist guy told us to come back in one hour as it was not cleaned after the last guests, so we did. We went for ice cream and coffee on the main road.
Here we met a couple who asked us for light, the girl apparently worked in the beach club and gave us more information about the forthcoming party (a coincidence again).
We went back to the bungalow, had a shower and change clothes, took the camera and went to the beach. Here, I saw one of the most beautiful and spectacular views in my entire life. It was a sunset made in heaven. It was so surreal, the colours were so bright and perfect, like it was a painting. The sea was so strong and the waves were so high, kneeling far into the land. I felt utterly lucky to experience it. I was happy with my life, where I was and where I wanted to be in the future. It all, all the happenings of my life seemed to correlate to bring me back to this place where I was right in that moment. I loved everything around me, I became love.
We stayed for some time then went back for dinner in the hotel. It was alright. After dinner we walked into a cocktail bar, where I had way too many Alexander's. He was telling me about his past.
It was very sensual, fulfilled by our lust.
I had a good sleep, though felt a presence in the room we slept in. I made a kind deal with it and it let us alone for the night. However I woke up around 5 but shortly fell asleep with Him again holding each other tight.
We were waken up next morning by some dog's barking and snoring. The timing was good for breakfast. We later met with him, Dzimba the light grey pug. It was running around in the backyard making funny noises. We gave him some chocolate croissant leftover from breakfast and he left his poo next to our doorway in return.
As the breakfast was awful at the hotel we went back to the place we had the coffee the day before checking in and ordered proper Italian croissants and cappuccinos for us (I love this tradition may it live long life!) Luckily, it was a sunny day the skies were clearing up above us. We went back to check out then did some shopping and decided to have our lunch later on the beach. We parked and chose to hang out on a coast side just next to the bar so we would not have to go too far. The waves were still high so I went to swim only one time with Him and we waited for the afternoon to come.
The beach bar was beautiful especially in the sunset with the music played that we both love. The place had a spiritual hint with large buddha statues and beds, and resting areas decorated with white linens. We danced, drank and had fun. I took photos. He signed two of his records, it made us both very cheerful. We could have, but didn't want to stay longer saying that this trip was perfect as it was. Also he had to drive at night and I was falling asleep. On the way back I climbed onto the back seat and woke up only when I saw familiar building. We were home.
Sunday, 16 August 2015
Happy days August 16 morning
I have to write fast as we are about to leave to another city. We're taking the larger car, clothes to change and sleeping bag as we could not book a hotel last minute. Honestly, we have no idea where we're going to sleep tonight but I don't think we will need to anyway tonight. Initially we planned to visit one of the most beautiful beaches in South Italy. My camera is shot-ready. Then we would like to to beach club where one of his favourite djs is going to play in the afternoon, then off to another nightclub. I feel excited. I'm going to listen now to Tim Berg's Seek Bromance just to hit the ambience.
On the way we will stop for a croissant and cappuccino and we'll have dinner in some restaurant in the beach. I love it.
Yesterday we have celebrated Ferragosto that is a popular Catholic of course, feast remembering St Mary's Assumption. Many families were out on the beach at night, so did we made a fire and ate our dinners looking at the flames. He went to swim, I was too comfortable being warm.
Someone sent up a chinese sky lantern which following the wind's way directed itself toward the sea, and slowly died in the distance on the horizon. It must have had the last spectacular view.
I was watching the stars for as long as we stayed and felt how much I have missed this feeling. How much wisdom, a sense of eternity and life love can it give to me. Promised, I would do it more often.
After all, I want to believe in miracles again.
On the way we will stop for a croissant and cappuccino and we'll have dinner in some restaurant in the beach. I love it.
Yesterday we have celebrated Ferragosto that is a popular Catholic of course, feast remembering St Mary's Assumption. Many families were out on the beach at night, so did we made a fire and ate our dinners looking at the flames. He went to swim, I was too comfortable being warm.
Someone sent up a chinese sky lantern which following the wind's way directed itself toward the sea, and slowly died in the distance on the horizon. It must have had the last spectacular view.
I was watching the stars for as long as we stayed and felt how much I have missed this feeling. How much wisdom, a sense of eternity and life love can it give to me. Promised, I would do it more often.
After all, I want to believe in miracles again.
Saturday, 15 August 2015
The sea and I August 15 Saturday
I don't think that anyone, including myself would ever understand the kind of connection I have with the sea.
How much it is attracting, magnetising and mesmerising me. I hear it's calling me, feeling me, understanding me and purifying me with it's salty crystal water, cleansing my heart and my mind. I can feel it when it's sad, delighted, playful and angry. Oh yes, I can feel it being angry and strong crushing the waves high above threatening people.
I believe there is a whole different world in the sea. It is more intuitive, mystic and emotive to ours.
As any other world, it needs to be respected. It has its own laws, souls are living in it. Those are also feeling creatures.
Sadly, humans very often fail to respect other terrains or living together with consideration to the other. People like to be selfish, leaving their rubbish behind, making noises, screaming, shouting and taking what is not theirs.
One of my very beautiful memories is, when He went to dive into the sea in Malta while I was sitting on the pier hanging my legs down. He came up and had a sea star in his hand. He placed it onto my palm. It was alive, moving and climbing on my palm. 'We need to bring it back to the sea I just wanted to show you' He said. This was the first time I ever saw a sea star alive. It looked much more beautiful, than dead needless to say.
I remember one time I read on the news, that near to some holiday island the dolphins lived free in the ocean and liked to come close to people on the beach by letting them to touch and play. Until one day when of them attacked a tourist. After this incident, they all got locked separated from the nature. Now tourist can do whatever they want with them. I don't believe dolphins would attack humans just like this, without any reason given. No animal would.
When I was a child, I always wished we lived close to the sea or ocean with my family. Being close to it can change me completely in a good way. I understand its language.
I look at him and He is just as happy as I am.
How much it is attracting, magnetising and mesmerising me. I hear it's calling me, feeling me, understanding me and purifying me with it's salty crystal water, cleansing my heart and my mind. I can feel it when it's sad, delighted, playful and angry. Oh yes, I can feel it being angry and strong crushing the waves high above threatening people.
I believe there is a whole different world in the sea. It is more intuitive, mystic and emotive to ours.
As any other world, it needs to be respected. It has its own laws, souls are living in it. Those are also feeling creatures.
Sadly, humans very often fail to respect other terrains or living together with consideration to the other. People like to be selfish, leaving their rubbish behind, making noises, screaming, shouting and taking what is not theirs.
One of my very beautiful memories is, when He went to dive into the sea in Malta while I was sitting on the pier hanging my legs down. He came up and had a sea star in his hand. He placed it onto my palm. It was alive, moving and climbing on my palm. 'We need to bring it back to the sea I just wanted to show you' He said. This was the first time I ever saw a sea star alive. It looked much more beautiful, than dead needless to say.
I remember one time I read on the news, that near to some holiday island the dolphins lived free in the ocean and liked to come close to people on the beach by letting them to touch and play. Until one day when of them attacked a tourist. After this incident, they all got locked separated from the nature. Now tourist can do whatever they want with them. I don't believe dolphins would attack humans just like this, without any reason given. No animal would.
When I was a child, I always wished we lived close to the sea or ocean with my family. Being close to it can change me completely in a good way. I understand its language.
I look at him and He is just as happy as I am.
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
Sleepy hollow August 12
We literally slept the whole day through.
Nothing to do, nowhere to rush and no one to meet, just the two of us. Bathing in mutual tenderness. The wind brough flower smell on the terrace for us to enjoy.
Discovery of the day: google books.
Oh the sweet worry-free days of our youth.
Nothing to do, nowhere to rush and no one to meet, just the two of us. Bathing in mutual tenderness. The wind brough flower smell on the terrace for us to enjoy.
Discovery of the day: google books.
Oh the sweet worry-free days of our youth.
Tuesday, 11 August 2015
About the impossible things that can happen 11 August
Winning the lottery is one thing. It's about chance and luck. Ideally, the best of both.
But finding a tiny little piece of an earring in your enormous beach bag is a miracle.
I was desperately looking for it last Friday. Especially as no way it could had fell into it. The jewellery box was always far away from the bag.
'Even miracles take a little time' I heard fairy godmother whispering into my ear.
After all, maybe someone is watching over me from time to time.
But finding a tiny little piece of an earring in your enormous beach bag is a miracle.
I was desperately looking for it last Friday. Especially as no way it could had fell into it. The jewellery box was always far away from the bag.
'Even miracles take a little time' I heard fairy godmother whispering into my ear.
After all, maybe someone is watching over me from time to time.
The salt August 11
In Italy. The country of art, beauty, passion and perfectionism.
The air froze and everybody stopped doing what they were doing to stare for a moment at the young woman who asks for salt in a restaurant.
'She must be a foreigner', everyone sighed and went back to appreciating pizza, pasta and rucola.
Changing the subject, I've learnt a new word today. Acquaintance. That is the knowledge of something through experience.
How wonderful, when you allow the freshness of the first-time of coming across something, to absorb into you through your senses, without prejudice or disinterest. Just by approaching it with a bold and curious attitude.
The air froze and everybody stopped doing what they were doing to stare for a moment at the young woman who asks for salt in a restaurant.
'She must be a foreigner', everyone sighed and went back to appreciating pizza, pasta and rucola.
Changing the subject, I've learnt a new word today. Acquaintance. That is the knowledge of something through experience.
How wonderful, when you allow the freshness of the first-time of coming across something, to absorb into you through your senses, without prejudice or disinterest. Just by approaching it with a bold and curious attitude.
Monday, 10 August 2015
My dream August 10 Monday morning
I had a dream in which a little boy called Kolya stole the pictures I made for my grandmother. It was in my hometown and I tried to find him by looking for him in the neighbourhood and asking his little friends. They told me his name. I was wondering through concrete block building and weird structured houses. Then I found him in a flat on the third or fourth floor. I took him in my arm and demanded my photos. He was chubby with light brown, beatles-like hair. As I touched him, I realised how sad he is that he might have had his own reason to steal my pictures. I said "I can feel people, where is this pain coming from?" He looked at me and I saw that he has three eyes.
There was another dream I slightly remember, I was in my school and had to protect myself from other students bullying. I remember thinking about saying something smart to them so they would leave me alone and I did so and felt very proud. In the same dream I was in the classroom and I had to repeat in chemistry for a teacher and she gave me four, instead of a three.
These numbers 3 and 4 might have some underlying meaning.
There was another dream I slightly remember, I was in my school and had to protect myself from other students bullying. I remember thinking about saying something smart to them so they would leave me alone and I did so and felt very proud. In the same dream I was in the classroom and I had to repeat in chemistry for a teacher and she gave me four, instead of a three.
These numbers 3 and 4 might have some underlying meaning.
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Summertime sadness August 9 Sunday
A slight feeling of melancholy settled slowly but bitterly into my heart today. It is Sunday and we went to an open air beach restaurant where the dj enthusiastically played Madonna's La Isla Bonita. I don't know if this feeling took over me because of the sheer boredom or because I had too many drinks last night. I am tired of letting myself down by not completing the promises I pledge to myself on a daily basis. That I'm going to write every day, articles and the big essay.
Nabokov came to my mind again, with his exceptional ability to write Lolita in a different language from his native in (only) six years time. If I could measure the level of my English in years studied (a completely nonsense but good point), my writing skills are comparable to a 9 years old child's. My first somewhat significant essay I produced at 15 so I still have six years to learn. The same time as the Lolita was penned. I find it one of the most beautifully written classics. Even though I am ultimately against the main feature of the novel.
I kept singing Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness in my head. Apart from not wanting to be kissed hard by anyone. I am not even bothered by this.
However every Monday has the potential to restart so I noted to myself: tomorrow wake up with alarm early, do exercise, work more and think less. Overthinking and over-feeling must be strongly related one to another.
When we returned home after having the dinner-on-the-beach (can be a name of a cocktail made for passionless pensioners), I took a shower and sat on the bed with the notebook in my lap. Then he came in and started to entertain me with striptease.
This came so unexpected and so out of my current mood that I could not help myself to laugh. It is not the first time that I noticed, life likes to through some ridiculously funny scene into your face just when you feel like being sad is so prosaic.
Nabokov came to my mind again, with his exceptional ability to write Lolita in a different language from his native in (only) six years time. If I could measure the level of my English in years studied (a completely nonsense but good point), my writing skills are comparable to a 9 years old child's. My first somewhat significant essay I produced at 15 so I still have six years to learn. The same time as the Lolita was penned. I find it one of the most beautifully written classics. Even though I am ultimately against the main feature of the novel.
I kept singing Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness in my head. Apart from not wanting to be kissed hard by anyone. I am not even bothered by this.
However every Monday has the potential to restart so I noted to myself: tomorrow wake up with alarm early, do exercise, work more and think less. Overthinking and over-feeling must be strongly related one to another.
When we returned home after having the dinner-on-the-beach (can be a name of a cocktail made for passionless pensioners), I took a shower and sat on the bed with the notebook in my lap. Then he came in and started to entertain me with striptease.
This came so unexpected and so out of my current mood that I could not help myself to laugh. It is not the first time that I noticed, life likes to through some ridiculously funny scene into your face just when you feel like being sad is so prosaic.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
The flooding August 8
He made one of those stupid jokes on me involving pictures of ghosts suddenly popping up on the screen. It was Michael Jackson's. It scared me so much I started to cry. We had a big fight. We made peace with each other in his parents' bedroom. I felt as the history is being repeated.
We stayed at home until the evening. We went for dinner. We were told that there was a sudden flooding where we usually go. Our place of parking got completely wiped out by sandy mud and stone river.
I should somehow thank Michael Jackson.
We stayed at home until the evening. We went for dinner. We were told that there was a sudden flooding where we usually go. Our place of parking got completely wiped out by sandy mud and stone river.
I should somehow thank Michael Jackson.
The storm August 7
We were having our lunch on the terrace when I heard the sharp low sound of a thunder coming from the mountain's' side. Some birds flew fast from that direction and I could feel the smell of the rain bringing some fresh air even though it has not hit the terrace floor yet.
I run for my camera hoping to get at least one picture of the lighting dancing between the mountains, the sky and the hollow below us.
I would not say I gave up to easily, eventually I felt minor pain in my right eye and my hands begun to freeze. I could not capture one picture of the lights, they were faster than my shutter.
I sat back to the table putting my camera on the top.
"At least you will have two hundred pictures of the rain" he laughed.
I run for my camera hoping to get at least one picture of the lighting dancing between the mountains, the sky and the hollow below us.
I would not say I gave up to easily, eventually I felt minor pain in my right eye and my hands begun to freeze. I could not capture one picture of the lights, they were faster than my shutter.
I sat back to the table putting my camera on the top.
"At least you will have two hundred pictures of the rain" he laughed.
Strange day August 6
Yesterday was a strange day. Initially I started to write about it in my diary, then decided to post it on the blog. Without letting myself to turn my attention away from destructions my mind creates in order to escape the actual work.
After spending two days at home we went out finally to the sea. We swam some distance along the coast then back. Coming out of the warm water and walking on the sandy beach we sat on our towels facing the sea. He said to me maybe it sound crazy but he felt like the sea was strange. I asked in what way. He said as we swam he saw a dead jellyfish that was not moving in the water, on the way back it was still there where he saw it first. The water, he continued was too warm even though it was windy. I noticed it too. The waves were robustly crushing into the land, grinding the pebbles into smaller pieces.
I told him, that I don't think what he thinks is crazy.
'I think the sea is angry. There was a pollution yesterday, some dirty shit went into the water.'
We remained on our towels for the rest of the evening, watching people around us. Later he went to chat with a lady with a dog whom he has not known and I was reading a book. He came back emotional saying that the lady was talking about her. That she got her dog because she had recently separated from her husband. It was a rescued adopted dog. 'Sometimes it is easier to open up to strangers that to friends or relatives.' I said 'That's the beauty of human psyche.' He nodded.
We stayed for the sunset. I took some pictures of the clouds. I found the golden raylights coming through the clouds very beautiful.
After spending two days at home we went out finally to the sea. We swam some distance along the coast then back. Coming out of the warm water and walking on the sandy beach we sat on our towels facing the sea. He said to me maybe it sound crazy but he felt like the sea was strange. I asked in what way. He said as we swam he saw a dead jellyfish that was not moving in the water, on the way back it was still there where he saw it first. The water, he continued was too warm even though it was windy. I noticed it too. The waves were robustly crushing into the land, grinding the pebbles into smaller pieces.
I told him, that I don't think what he thinks is crazy.
'I think the sea is angry. There was a pollution yesterday, some dirty shit went into the water.'
We remained on our towels for the rest of the evening, watching people around us. Later he went to chat with a lady with a dog whom he has not known and I was reading a book. He came back emotional saying that the lady was talking about her. That she got her dog because she had recently separated from her husband. It was a rescued adopted dog. 'Sometimes it is easier to open up to strangers that to friends or relatives.' I said 'That's the beauty of human psyche.' He nodded.
We stayed for the sunset. I took some pictures of the clouds. I found the golden raylights coming through the clouds very beautiful.
On the way back home I decided to forgive my mother and my grandmother. Unforgiving tends to crush families apart. I had to be the one who finally breaks this heavy chain.
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
A gift August 5
This is what I wrote in my notes:
"There are many ways of looking at God. You can think of him as God. But you can also look at him as the Universe which is also true. All his faces are true. The Universe is whole, is what you see in front of you. You are a part of it. Therefore, the separation from God is an illusion. There is no separation, you are one with the Universe, with God. The Universe is a part of you, you have the Universe inside you and that Universe has a Universe too. It's an endless fractal. This is how it exists, breathes and is alive."
I also scribbled down:
"Look at the sea. It has all your answers" And I was looking at the ever moving waves. Everything was waving around me.
"We are with you. You are not alone. Just believe. You are able to communicate with us. You have everything."
I feel grattitude.
Sunday, 2 August 2015
I love this art August 2
I love this piece of art, because it does not scare me. Because I can find beauty and order in these creatures. Look at them and see, whether you can recognise any fear within you. The fear of the unknown, of chaos and danger, of disorganisation. If so, your world is just as surreal as those worlds. You recognise yourself in them, the elements and traces of your personality and psyche. http://www.boredpanda.com/wounderland-fairy-tales-weird-surrealistic-photography-mothmeister/
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