It wasn't too late in the evening but it was already dark. We crossed the four way road, me walking home and her to meet her boyfriend. My friend, E decided to leave London and all together the whole country to move back.
The whole happening made me understand something. The feelings evoked where different this time, they were new to me. I thought, in general in our friendships we kind of give and take emotions-wise. The fact that she won't be around anymore would change the level of my feelings to her? Would I love her less just because she will not be in my 'inner circle' anymore? She won't be here to call, to listen to me.
Bullshit, I said. Who said we can't love our friends more than they love us, unconditionally without letting them know. The feeling of love experienced is wonderful it does not expects anything and doesn't ask back.
This is how it came to me, that same as when having relationships we can also love in friendships, unconditionally. From this point, it does not matter how much she would be there for me. My feelings are steady and they make me happy.
As we walked together, the moon was coming up on the horizon. And it was enormous, I have never seen it this big, especially not while living in this big city. Big moon in the big city. And we are in it, small people with our small things to carry on with.
I wish that with this moon may all that no longer serves you or make you unhappy would vanish. A period would end, and something new and fresh would start.
'Thank you.' She said.
Thursday, 29 October 2015
Tuesday, 27 October 2015
Part from the book Sulamith's wonderful life
I lived two lives. One, before the Big Catastrophe, and one after.
In my first life, I would have this strange vivid dreams. They appeared as they would be some kind of answers or clues to my ever-hovering unconscious question looming in the static like some kind of flash of electricity into the rainy night- about my origins. To questions about who I really am, and what is my purpose on this absurd and terrifying place.
I sought to remember what was lost, erased from my memories. What remained, were mere feelings. They were my keys opening rooms in my mind. People, happenings, number of years were swept with one enormous hand that wasn't God's, just like someone sweeps flour from the kitchen table.
It's 2015's end of October and I had one of those dreams again. I am in the war of Afghanistan or Iraq. I'm a reporter or a journalist. I'm going on the usual way, to the city. I hear gunshots and people running. I want to run back, but my way is barricaded. There is a man with a large car like a van. The one you go through the desert with. He sees me, opens the door and I jump in. He has a turban. I know he is a good man because he's saving my life. We're trying to hide in his car from the bullets. We're driving off. He knows that I'm there to help. He shouts to me: tell them you're an independent, tell them you're an independent! But I'm too afraid to get out if his car, because they will shoot me. I just stay with him, the last person I see.
In my first life, I would have this strange vivid dreams. They appeared as they would be some kind of answers or clues to my ever-hovering unconscious question looming in the static like some kind of flash of electricity into the rainy night- about my origins. To questions about who I really am, and what is my purpose on this absurd and terrifying place.
I sought to remember what was lost, erased from my memories. What remained, were mere feelings. They were my keys opening rooms in my mind. People, happenings, number of years were swept with one enormous hand that wasn't God's, just like someone sweeps flour from the kitchen table.
It's 2015's end of October and I had one of those dreams again. I am in the war of Afghanistan or Iraq. I'm a reporter or a journalist. I'm going on the usual way, to the city. I hear gunshots and people running. I want to run back, but my way is barricaded. There is a man with a large car like a van. The one you go through the desert with. He sees me, opens the door and I jump in. He has a turban. I know he is a good man because he's saving my life. We're trying to hide in his car from the bullets. We're driving off. He knows that I'm there to help. He shouts to me: tell them you're an independent, tell them you're an independent! But I'm too afraid to get out if his car, because they will shoot me. I just stay with him, the last person I see.
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
I had a dream with D October 20
I have one relationship that did not have an ending. I'm over it, really. Long time past by. It's just we did not have a chance to close it properly. We did not talk about what was wrong or right: I just cut it down and he did not disagree. That's how our romance ended: without a decent ending.
He came however in my dreams, many times. In these dreams every time he wanted to start it over, but I said no. I guess it was too painful for me that he withdrew emotionally when I needed him the most.
This morning I woke up remembering my dream and he was in it. I was in my home city with my mum and we walked next to the cinema hall at the bus stop not far from the place where I spent my first weeks. As we passed the bus stop I saw him with his colleague girl and a few other people including one blonde girl I wasn't able to recognise. I think there was a romantic connection between them, what's what I observed from my dream. I became very happy to see him again and wanted to approach them to say hi. Just like friends. And here, he did a movement with his hand quite angrily kind of showing me to back off, like when you sweep things under the carpet in order to forget them. I turned around and left with my mum. It hurt me in my dream, that even after many years he could not talk to me like friends. Like the whole thing meant nothing for him.
In reality I am so happy I made that decision to break up with him.
He came however in my dreams, many times. In these dreams every time he wanted to start it over, but I said no. I guess it was too painful for me that he withdrew emotionally when I needed him the most.
This morning I woke up remembering my dream and he was in it. I was in my home city with my mum and we walked next to the cinema hall at the bus stop not far from the place where I spent my first weeks. As we passed the bus stop I saw him with his colleague girl and a few other people including one blonde girl I wasn't able to recognise. I think there was a romantic connection between them, what's what I observed from my dream. I became very happy to see him again and wanted to approach them to say hi. Just like friends. And here, he did a movement with his hand quite angrily kind of showing me to back off, like when you sweep things under the carpet in order to forget them. I turned around and left with my mum. It hurt me in my dream, that even after many years he could not talk to me like friends. Like the whole thing meant nothing for him.
In reality I am so happy I made that decision to break up with him.
About the fear of 'I have nothing to say' October 20
I went for a run today. Then I walked while I marvelled at the nature around me. Being away gave me time to think and concentrate on what I want to achieve in my near future.
A picture of me talking publicly came up in my imagination. I asked myself 'how am I going to achieve this'? Then I had this sudden flush in my head, a feeling through my body like a sentence saying 'but I have nothing to say'. I could recognise it was definitely a limiting belief. But where was it coming from? I have never failed in public speaking before.
And here I saw a moment in my imagination, traced far in my past when I was a student in my school. I had to recitate to my head teacher. It was one of the first classes in the first year. I knew, that I did not study in terms of memorising but I could talk about the matter. As I always did, intuitively.
But what happened is that I received a bad mark from the teacher, because she said that is not enough or not right how I study and I need to memorise and talk logically about the subjects, coming up with the facts only in the right order. From this point, I just tried to remember these facts, written by other people.
Here I am standing at the beginning of my career. I don't need to recite other people's thoughts. It is not about this anymore: it's about me, giving myself, my knowledge to the world. I can do it as it should be: intuitively.
This is how I recognised an internal conflict within myself and classified it as a limiting belief. I am thinking about how to eliminate it. Maybe I should go back in time and speak to my 15 years old self.
And what would you say to her?
-That she was just different from other children, who needed to learn by rules. Her knowledge is wisdom, not logic or IQ.
I would also use Boundary Tapping here and notice, that with my 15 years old self, my current self is beginning to feel better. Lighter. More capable of achieving.
-You have something to say. Quite frankly, you have something important to say to everyone. And you can access this inner wisdom at any time.
A picture of me talking publicly came up in my imagination. I asked myself 'how am I going to achieve this'? Then I had this sudden flush in my head, a feeling through my body like a sentence saying 'but I have nothing to say'. I could recognise it was definitely a limiting belief. But where was it coming from? I have never failed in public speaking before.
And here I saw a moment in my imagination, traced far in my past when I was a student in my school. I had to recitate to my head teacher. It was one of the first classes in the first year. I knew, that I did not study in terms of memorising but I could talk about the matter. As I always did, intuitively.
But what happened is that I received a bad mark from the teacher, because she said that is not enough or not right how I study and I need to memorise and talk logically about the subjects, coming up with the facts only in the right order. From this point, I just tried to remember these facts, written by other people.
Here I am standing at the beginning of my career. I don't need to recite other people's thoughts. It is not about this anymore: it's about me, giving myself, my knowledge to the world. I can do it as it should be: intuitively.
This is how I recognised an internal conflict within myself and classified it as a limiting belief. I am thinking about how to eliminate it. Maybe I should go back in time and speak to my 15 years old self.
And what would you say to her?
-That she was just different from other children, who needed to learn by rules. Her knowledge is wisdom, not logic or IQ.
I would also use Boundary Tapping here and notice, that with my 15 years old self, my current self is beginning to feel better. Lighter. More capable of achieving.
-You have something to say. Quite frankly, you have something important to say to everyone. And you can access this inner wisdom at any time.
Saturday, 17 October 2015
Don't let yourself be misled by awful movies October 17
The best books I read in my life I found by awful trailers. That's my secret.
I saw a random trailer, I found out it is a film adaptation of some fiction, then I did a little research and ended up finding pretty good books (that I would not normally choose).
This is how I came across:
The time traveller's wife
Summer of love
The hunger games
Matilda
Perfume
Ender's game (I've been reading it for over one year now!)
Lolita (The book and the movie qually took my high appreciation)
And there are also movies way better than their initial hardback (if the author gets lucky) versions, but they're in minority. Like 'The Hours'.
It is a dangerous experiment to turn an amazing book into amazing movie. Books should stay where they are, on the shelves or in people's imagination. After all, the movies' script is written by another person like you or me.
My newest on the list is 'John dies at the end'.
I saw a random trailer, I found out it is a film adaptation of some fiction, then I did a little research and ended up finding pretty good books (that I would not normally choose).
This is how I came across:
The time traveller's wife
Summer of love
The hunger games
Matilda
Perfume
Ender's game (I've been reading it for over one year now!)
Lolita (The book and the movie qually took my high appreciation)
And there are also movies way better than their initial hardback (if the author gets lucky) versions, but they're in minority. Like 'The Hours'.
It is a dangerous experiment to turn an amazing book into amazing movie. Books should stay where they are, on the shelves or in people's imagination. After all, the movies' script is written by another person like you or me.
My newest on the list is 'John dies at the end'.
Thursday, 8 October 2015
I wish for my mother October 8
I wish that my mother experienced lasting happiness in her life. That she met someone who truly loved her for who she is, without wanting to change her or telling her what to do. An honest, empathic person with a big heart. That she would not have the need to use tricks to make the person stay, being unafraid of abandonment by the other person.
I wish her to meet a man, who would love her very much and in his company she would feel loved and understood.
Please angels.
I don't know how my life would be, if I didn't meet him, but I'm sure I would feel very sad and lost time to time.
I wish her to meet a man, who would love her very much and in his company she would feel loved and understood.
Please angels.
I don't know how my life would be, if I didn't meet him, but I'm sure I would feel very sad and lost time to time.
Tuesday, 6 October 2015
Hello October
Hello October
Hello colder nights,
Hello longer nights,
Hello wool socks at home,
Indoor pubs and record stores,
Hello Oktoberfest and Halloween!
Fancy dresses and face painting,
Hot mulled wine and photo taking,
Calling friends to get together,
Staying in and cooking for them.
Switching the heating on,
Watching the red moon on the horizon.
Reading a favourite book
Under the thick duvet,
Putting on fuzzy scarf at night,
Marvelling at the fairy lights,
Hello October!
Hello longer nights,
Hello wool socks at home,
Indoor pubs and record stores,
Hello Oktoberfest and Halloween!
Fancy dresses and face painting,
Hot mulled wine and photo taking,
Calling friends to get together,
Staying in and cooking for them.
Switching the heating on,
Watching the red moon on the horizon.
Reading a favourite book
Under the thick duvet,
Putting on fuzzy scarf at night,
Marvelling at the fairy lights,
Hello October!
An Autumn London Day October 6
My day yesterday had been really lovely. Advice: if you ever need to get out, have some minor argument with your partner so you will have a light heart and a reason to get out for one day and do anything you want, without telling anyone. The second important step, is that you should turn your phone off, so you can concentrate only on yourself. No friends' messages, no relatives' calls. Just you, for yourself.
Basically, I run away. I took the first bus that came and alighted at Holborn. I ate some fine sushi and decided to go to the National History Museum. On the way I came across and interesting bookstore, that belongs to the Swedenborg Society, on the window glass there was a notice with their upcoming events. I decided to take a notice of the Bloomsbury Festival Film Screening By Ourselves and An Evening of Dreams writer's discussion.
But I wanted to see the Crystal Skull. There was a documentary once this Summer on television, and since I really wished to meet with it in person too. To be honest I wanted it the first thing to do when I returned to London.
The legend of this skull attracted me, because many people said it has healing attributes and other paranormal phenomena. Like performing miracles. Legend says it was taken from the Ancient Mexicans, Mixtecs or even Mayas. Some people reported seeing future events or vibrant light when being at its presence.
What I recorded when standing just next to it:
Here I am, standing next to the Crystal Skull. I could not find it immediately by my intuition, means not sure it is what it is. How I feel next to it? I feel warmth, definitely. It is getting my messages. It has an aura, a warm one. I don't know what kind of knowledge is within it, but it is connected to life and death, flowers, spirit world. It gives me a good feeling.
I said goodbye to the skull and left the hall. Suddenly I thought about my dream with the scarab and ended up buying a necklace with a large scarab medal. Here it is.
Basically, I run away. I took the first bus that came and alighted at Holborn. I ate some fine sushi and decided to go to the National History Museum. On the way I came across and interesting bookstore, that belongs to the Swedenborg Society, on the window glass there was a notice with their upcoming events. I decided to take a notice of the Bloomsbury Festival Film Screening By Ourselves and An Evening of Dreams writer's discussion.
But I wanted to see the Crystal Skull. There was a documentary once this Summer on television, and since I really wished to meet with it in person too. To be honest I wanted it the first thing to do when I returned to London.
The legend of this skull attracted me, because many people said it has healing attributes and other paranormal phenomena. Like performing miracles. Legend says it was taken from the Ancient Mexicans, Mixtecs or even Mayas. Some people reported seeing future events or vibrant light when being at its presence.
What I recorded when standing just next to it:
Here I am, standing next to the Crystal Skull. I could not find it immediately by my intuition, means not sure it is what it is. How I feel next to it? I feel warmth, definitely. It is getting my messages. It has an aura, a warm one. I don't know what kind of knowledge is within it, but it is connected to life and death, flowers, spirit world. It gives me a good feeling.
I said goodbye to the skull and left the hall. Suddenly I thought about my dream with the scarab and ended up buying a necklace with a large scarab medal. Here it is.
I really like it, I'm wearing it since. This is how I would like to show a special tribute of respect and remembering of Eliot. It protects me. I asked for blessing of the Crystal Skull and the large Easter Island statue and made my way out fast.
I walked to my favourite part of London, Covent Garden. On Neal's Street and Monmouth Street there are two mystic shops, located very close to each other. In between, there is a little piece of earthy heaven, the Neal's Yard. I bought a crystal in one of the shops, a yellow Aventurine and checked cards in the other store. I noticed that it was a lot of young customers, it is nice to see this generation's interest in esoteric.
Neal's Yard changed again since, new shops opened and the old ones closed their gates. There was however a nice new vegan restaurant on the second floor, the Wild Food Cafe. I saw some interesting and colourful creatures sitting and chatting inside, but that just belongs to the atmosphere of this enchanted and bewitching yard.
I left Covent Garden and continued walking on Denmark Street. On the way, there was an open Parish Church that had a very nice incense smell however it was completely empty and a bit dark so I left shortly.
After walking through Denmark Street, I ended up in my beloved bookstore, the Foyles. When I came inside to my wonder the interior changed, they made a large and bright staircase in the middle and I don't remember if before, but now it had 5-6 floors to browse. Unfortunately, the Jazz Cafe closed but another opened on floor 5, next to a Japanese exhibition. (Uh, I forgot to check it out, that's a reason to return!)
I ordered Guinness Chocolate cake, a bottle of raspberry soda and soya latte. Everything was very pleasant in this little hidden oasis, as I enjoyed the ambience and the books with another 30 book loving artistic free spirits, some of them hiding behind their laptops, others just browsing their selected books from the store.
I went home quite late yesterday.
Monday, 5 October 2015
Going against the system October 5
What if someone, what happens if someone does something completely unpredictable against the system? Let's say, from this moment I empty all my accounts and take the first plane to somewhere where I have not been before and where I know no one, starting a brand new life?
Becoming someone else. With a new name. Erasing everything from my previous life. Changing hair, voice, character and personality. Going wild and bold, detaching myself from the society, from myself.
I felt excitement and joy when I thought about all these.
In the play 'Closer' the girl whose role was played by Natalie Portman (Alice) had done something like this. Just left everything behind. How was she like? She was very brave, honest to the people around her and most importantly, she was honest to herself.
Becoming someone else. With a new name. Erasing everything from my previous life. Changing hair, voice, character and personality. Going wild and bold, detaching myself from the society, from myself.
I felt excitement and joy when I thought about all these.
In the play 'Closer' the girl whose role was played by Natalie Portman (Alice) had done something like this. Just left everything behind. How was she like? She was very brave, honest to the people around her and most importantly, she was honest to herself.
Sunday, 4 October 2015
Reboot and retest October 4 Sunday
I don't know how to explain it, but in some happenings this year's back coming to London is very similar to last year's, however it feels more sophisticated.
Like it's a replay of some of my tests, challenges of my own successes and failures, to show that I've learnt from my errors, to prove my strength of swiftness.
I am definitely meeting with the same people at the same time, and some of them are still having the same problems like last year. Interesting, that friends call me very often to complain about their life, but as He said it too, no one calls me to confirm that the weather is being brilliant this week. Will it lead to the place of the complete separation from the society, will I be with no friend after all, if my own company is the best place to be at, the one that makes me the happiest and at ease?
Like it's a replay of some of my tests, challenges of my own successes and failures, to show that I've learnt from my errors, to prove my strength of swiftness.
I am definitely meeting with the same people at the same time, and some of them are still having the same problems like last year. Interesting, that friends call me very often to complain about their life, but as He said it too, no one calls me to confirm that the weather is being brilliant this week. Will it lead to the place of the complete separation from the society, will I be with no friend after all, if my own company is the best place to be at, the one that makes me the happiest and at ease?
My card is the Prudence October 4 Sunday
Carefully, I'm shuffling the cards. I take some time to tune into it. I have no questions to be asked, no thoughts to be discovered. I choose one card and got the card of Prudence.
Being ready is the key importance of this game.
Being ready for my new job.
Being ready for new challenges.
Being ready for new people to meet.
Being ready for being ready.
I'm calm like a pond and steady like an oak tree. Whatever happens, nothing can make an effect on how I feel right now. I am in the centre of my own universe. Finding this point, nothing can levitate me from here.
Being ready is the key importance of this game.
Being ready for my new job.
Being ready for new challenges.
Being ready for new people to meet.
Being ready for being ready.
I'm calm like a pond and steady like an oak tree. Whatever happens, nothing can make an effect on how I feel right now. I am in the centre of my own universe. Finding this point, nothing can levitate me from here.
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