Full moon rising August 30 Sunday

Purposefully, I am not counting back the days. I'm leaving fairly soon.

I wanted to write about cycles. How I felt last night, that with yesterday's supermoon a whole cycle was completed. From summer to summer. One year of learning, one chapter in my life, one period, one turnover, one loop closed its gates behind me. I became different, the best of what I had ever been.

'Give me your blessing!' I shouted to the sea. The wave that touched my body through my legs came from every direction south, east, north, west, arrowing toward me. It gave me a stone. It's white. It will bring me immense luck.

The supermoon rising was phenomenal. We made fire and ate fish smoked over the smouldering brand. This was the night of lights, with the moonlight reflecting glittering on the sea's surface, with the fire's sparks floating upwards in the dark sky and with the firework in the distance exploded on the other side of the coast.

One of my summer wishes came true. I saw a shooting star. I made a wish for Him.

Blueprint August 26

Exactly one year ago I was exactly here in this place of the globe.

I've heard that we can relate life events to places as much as we can experience flashbacks into the past and recall memories with particular smells.

The sea is beautiful just as it was last year and entirely calm.

When I think about going back to London, I have no fears comparing to last year. I was not looking forward to the trip back. Now I'm different. I had the necessary time to heal, to be alone and to contemplate on my future. Although I do know that I am not perfect having my own flows, I took big steps towards improving several parts of my personality, or rather changing feelings in those areas, my approach to them.

Procrastination was one of them. Now we're standing face to face. I can look into its eyes. Interestingly I had a dream about this few days ago, that I performed exorcism on myself. I had to look at myself in a mirror and I saw in my eyes there was an entity. I looked very bravely and I think I scared it away, I saw it coming out of my facial features. It hissed at me.

After being here, I need to remind myself of cleansing my mind regularly. It really helps. Meditating every day, listening to my favourite music, singing and enjoying life. Smiling, vibrating good energy around me.
I'm not afraid of dying as much as before. I asked for it, and saw my future. It is wonderful full of miracles. Finally, I have to courage to perform acts of service and compassion. For myself. For the sake of my own mission.
Thank you for being so patient with me, for loving me even when I did not love myself enough.

I asked for signs and guidance and I was given. There must me something tremendous behind this all.

I found a feather on my bed this morning.

Seeing something in people August 23

What I see in people and what I value in them is always changing. 

As I grow older and change myself too I recognise what they live for, what ideology they follow or what they believe in. Which side they have taken in life, what they fight for. Perhaps I see in them things that I find in myself too, evolving and coming into surface.

For example, I noticed that my friend C talks many times about humanitarian topics. Against wars and for the sake of equality in humankind. As I am taking my own individual position opinion wise, his words are becoming interesting to me.

Before, I wanted to have friends I can count on. Friends that we share same interest with, true and faithful friends. I realised, no one can promise fidelity as we tend to adrift like snowflakes from one to another, and the person who lives in your memory is not the same person who is present, we change, move on.

Even before this, when I was young I looked for friends who appreciated me and saw the best in me, who were there for me in times of crises. Now I understand, that what I was looking for in others, I wanted to find in myself.

My dream 23 August Sunday morning

My dream was very vivid and I woke up still feeling it very strong.

It was long time ago in history. I loved a young man maybe called Tom. He was not treating me very well. I wanted to end the relationship with him. Then another another man came, he loved me, cared about me and he was very wealthy. He was some kind of researcher or teacher or even an explorer in Egypt, he had one of those beige hats and looked like Indiana Jones, but his hair was blonde and had full body type. I knew if I marry him, I would never have to worry about anything. His name was Elliott, I clearly remember this. Even though I knew eventually I could love him, my heart was beating for someone else, for the young guy.

Anyway, we were supposed to have a wedding and I looked down at my left hand and I saw that I had his ring and my ring melted into one ring, and it had the Scarab. It was Elliott's ring from his university or the place he worked for. A scarab ring.
I panicked and just before going into the building, I told Elliot that I need to tell him something. He was very understanding took my hand and listened to me. I said that I'm afraid of the marriage. I said that I don't want to become one of those couples who after years just sit next to each other, and have nothing to say to another. It's so sad. He comforted me and said don't worry. We'll not be. Let's just try it. He gives me all the time I need. He was truly amazing.

But I was so stupid, because I wanted to be with Tom, the young guy. He was also poor and not very educated. We shared a passionate and young kind of love. I was looking for him from the hotel's (or some sort of bar) window the next day. And when he came, I saw that he has flowers. I did not come out, I thought he will understand this though he didn't know that I got married to Elliot. He left after some time, and I went out taking the same route as him, or meet him on the way. I was in a carriage with horses. I looked ta him from the window. He saw me and threw the flowers on the floor. I knew it's going to be over. So I run into my destiny, and met him and spent time with him. (I think my husband was away on some trip) I knew, that the whole situation will exploit in some time because they will know about each other and I will never come out clean of this terrible situation, so I just enjoyed the last moments with my love. Untill he loved me trusting.

It happened to me, it was in my past life. Elliott, I am terribly sorry. I should have stayed with you. You could have gave me protection, happiness and the caring type of love.

I don't know if reincarnation exists, but if there is some grand design that makes us forget our past lives, I understand the importance and purpose of it. I'm still in my dream, having the strong feelings felt, trying to find Elliott (maybe Williams) in history, wanting to make things differently or at least to find out, if all these really happened. I know it did, I feel it.

I want to purchase a scarab ring in London for myself.

About wishes August 20

I asked Him yesterday, if he believes that every time we help someone unconditionally, a wish of ours comes true.

He said certainly.

Then I said, now I have two years of wishes to come true. I stopped wishing two years ago.

It's time to wish again.

Our trip to Praia A Mare August 16-17

We're already back.

I don't know if I'll be able to find the right words to describe this trip.

First I would like to share what I had learnt during our journey.

Most of all, I changed the energy around me. I feel more light and looking more towards the future. I understood, that I tend to worry too much about things that do not exist or that should not make me worry this much. I am scared at times. I need to trust the process of life more. I need to feel, that I was not left alone. There is something on the other side, that watches over me and helping. I need to keep my faith in the universe. I don't have to manage all by myself, on my own. I can ask for support. I have the right to do it. I am loved.

I also learnt, that sometimes things could turn out to be great. If you believe in it, you can become lucky.

So much can change if you choose to think positive like a strong person. Everything can change in a few days.

Here is one of the pictures I took, and I will begin to describe this wonderful and interesting trip.

We left on 16th Sunday morning around 10 AM. I felt a bit tired from the beginning. He packed the bags (that I have later regretted because we missed a couple of things) and I selected the clothes. I took hundreds of pictures from the car on the way there and painted my nails into orange colour. He took a special way on the coast line that was slightly longer but we could drive our way through serpentines and mountains next to the panoramic view of the blue sea. This sea was the Tyrrhenian Sea. As we were passing by one village to another, my eyes caught several old castles built on the mountains' tops. South Italy is full of history. It is a mystical, enigmatic and curious place for me. I'm sure it's overflowing with magic spells, alchemy and legends that simple agricultural working people were telling each other by the fire from one generation to another. It makes me want to go into the middle of it's mysterious fog, to see pictures inside, coming from the far past. Children running through the grape fields, girls sewing beautiful flower patterns into cloth napkins, working people getting up in the morning before the sunrise to look after the land that will appreciate their effort by providing food on the table, bread and vegetables.

But let me to continue with our trip. I was feeling free and careless while he drove the car, putting my legs up on the dashboard and marvelling at the green scenery. It was such a summer feeling. However, just when we started to approach the area, we felt the wind getting stronger and saw the storm coming and above us the sky was extending in shades of dark grey colours.

There were pools on the road made up from rainwater and as we drove through them on high speed they obediently spreaded two ways arching up high.

The city seemed to be cold and abandoned by people, at the closed fun park I even noticed to Him 'It looks like a ghost town'.

We went to the place where the party was supposed to be started in the evening and here we were told by a rude woman, that it was cancelled and postponed for the following day, Monday.
It was very disappointing to hear this. We had a plan and now it vanished. We both thought about returning home, but I didn't want to give up on this trip. Not immediately at least, without even trying. We walked through the place to the beach that was full of colourful round stones, I picked a green one and he picked something else. It was a plastic shiny golden anchor. He gave it to me. I knew it has a meaning but now I found some interpretation for the symbolism it may represent, by Joseph "Joe" Panek:

http://www.aseekersthoughts.com/2012/02/anchor-as-symbol.html

I suggested him to look around for accommodation so we can stay for one more day. It seemed to be an impossible task to accomplish, as days before we were searching for a hotel or Bed&Breakfast room and either everything was full, either the prices were just way too high so we could not afford it. What is more, we were in the middle of high season plus the national celebration of summer and St Mary.

I've done something I have not done for the time I can remember. I asked the angels to help us. I wanted to apply the technique I read about from this little book about becoming magic. I wanted to test it of it works, if I can rely on it.

The first two-three places we went to ask were fully packed with people (even though no one was outdoors in the town) or the prices was just unacceptable. The third place we found from the backway. We went through it garden and waited in the lobby for the receptionist. It was also fully booked. We went out from the front and found ourselves on the main road. It had a walking pavement made of bricks and surrounded by trees from both sides. We say a hotel on the other side so we crossed the road. I like the place from the first sight. I asked to stay there. There was something calming about it and it had a beautiful grape garden. He spoke to the chubby receptionist that seemed to be a decent guy and turn to me explaining, that this hotel was full but there is a bungalow that we could take if we liked it. Show us then we asked. It was a house separated in the backyard. It had a double bed and a shower. It was affordable. We could not believe our luck. I was above the ground of happiness. We took it for one night. The receptionist guy told us to come back in one hour as it was not cleaned after the last guests, so we did. We went for ice cream and coffee on the main road.

Here we met a couple who asked us for light, the girl apparently worked in the beach club and gave us more information about the forthcoming party (a coincidence again).

We went back to the bungalow, had a shower and change clothes, took the camera and went to the beach. Here, I saw one of the most beautiful and spectacular views in my entire life. It was a sunset made in heaven. It was so surreal, the colours were so bright and perfect, like it was a painting. The sea was so strong and the waves were so high, kneeling far into the land. I felt utterly lucky to experience it. I was happy with my life, where I was and where I wanted to be in the future. It all, all the happenings of my life seemed to correlate to bring me back to this place where I was right in that moment. I loved everything around me, I became love.

We stayed for some time then went back for dinner in the hotel. It was alright. After dinner we walked into a cocktail bar, where I had way too many Alexander's. He was telling me about his past.
It was very sensual, fulfilled by our lust.

I had a good sleep, though felt a presence in the room we slept in. I made a kind deal with it and it let us alone for the night. However I woke up around 5 but shortly fell asleep with Him again holding each other tight.

We were waken up next morning by some dog's barking and snoring. The timing was good for breakfast. We later met with him, Dzimba the light grey pug. It was running around in the backyard making funny noises. We gave him some chocolate croissant leftover from breakfast and he left his poo next to our doorway in return.
As the breakfast was awful at the hotel we went back to the place we had the coffee the day before checking in and ordered proper Italian croissants and cappuccinos for us (I love this tradition may it live long life!) Luckily, it was a sunny day the skies were clearing up above us. We went back to check out then did some shopping and decided to have our lunch later on the beach. We parked and chose to hang out on a coast side just next to the bar so we would not have to go too far. The waves were still high so I went to swim only one time with Him and we waited for the afternoon to come.

The beach bar was beautiful especially in the sunset with the music played that we both love. The place had a spiritual hint with large buddha statues and beds, and resting areas decorated with white linens. We danced, drank and had fun. I took photos. He signed two of his records, it made us both very cheerful. We could have, but didn't want to stay longer saying that this trip was perfect as it was. Also he had to drive at night and I was falling asleep. On the way back I climbed onto the back seat and woke up only when I saw familiar building. We were home.

Happy days August 16 morning

I have to write fast as we are about to leave to another city. We're taking the larger car, clothes to change and sleeping bag as we could not book a hotel last minute. Honestly, we have no idea where we're going to sleep tonight but I don't think we will need to anyway tonight. Initially we planned to visit one of the most beautiful beaches in South Italy. My camera is shot-ready. Then we would like to to beach club where one of his favourite djs is going to play in the afternoon, then off to another nightclub. I feel excited. I'm going to listen now to Tim Berg's Seek Bromance just to hit the ambience.
On the way we will stop for a croissant and cappuccino and we'll have dinner in some restaurant in the beach. I love it.

Yesterday we have celebrated Ferragosto that is a popular Catholic of course, feast remembering St Mary's Assumption. Many families were out on the beach at night, so did we made a fire and ate our dinners looking at the flames. He went to swim, I was too comfortable being warm.

Someone sent up a chinese sky lantern which following the wind's way directed itself toward the sea, and slowly died in the distance on the horizon. It must have had the last spectacular view.

I was watching the stars for as long as we stayed and felt how much I have missed this feeling. How much wisdom, a sense of eternity and life love can it give to me. Promised, I would do it more often.

After all, I want to believe in miracles again.

The sea and I August 15 Saturday

I don't think that anyone, including myself would ever understand the kind of connection I have with the sea.
How much it is attracting, magnetising and mesmerising me. I hear it's calling me, feeling me, understanding me and purifying me with it's salty crystal water, cleansing my heart and my mind. I can feel it when it's sad, delighted, playful and angry. Oh yes, I can feel it being angry and strong crushing the waves high above threatening people.

I believe there is a whole different world in the sea. It is more intuitive, mystic and emotive to ours.

As any other world, it needs to be respected. It has its own laws, souls are living in it. Those are also feeling creatures.
Sadly, humans very often fail to respect other terrains or living together with consideration to the other. People like to be selfish, leaving their rubbish behind, making noises, screaming, shouting and taking what is not theirs.

One of my very beautiful memories is, when He went to dive into the sea in Malta while I was sitting on the pier hanging my legs down. He came up and had a sea star in his hand. He placed it onto my palm. It was alive, moving and climbing on my palm. 'We need to bring it back to the sea I just wanted to show you' He said. This was the first time I ever saw a sea star alive. It looked much more beautiful, than dead needless to say.

I remember one time I read on the news, that near to some holiday island the dolphins lived free in the ocean and liked to come close to people on the beach by letting them to touch and play. Until one day when of them attacked a tourist. After this incident, they all got locked separated from the nature. Now tourist can do whatever they want with them. I don't believe dolphins would attack humans just like this, without any reason given. No animal would.

When I was a child, I always wished we lived close to the sea or ocean with my family. Being close to it can change me completely in a good way. I understand its language.

I look at him and He is just as happy as I am.

Sleepy hollow August 12

We literally slept the whole day through.

Nothing to do, nowhere to rush and no one to meet, just the two of us. Bathing in mutual tenderness. The wind brough flower smell on the terrace for us to enjoy.

Discovery of the day: google books.

Oh the sweet worry-free days of our youth.

About the impossible things that can happen 11 August

Winning the lottery is one thing. It's about chance and luck. Ideally, the best of both.

But finding a tiny little piece of an earring in your enormous beach bag is a miracle.
I was desperately looking for it last Friday. Especially as no way it could had fell into it. The jewellery box was always far away from the bag.

'Even miracles take a little time' I heard fairy godmother whispering into my ear.

After all, maybe someone is watching over me from time to time.

The salt August 11

In Italy. The country of art, beauty, passion and perfectionism.

The air froze and everybody stopped doing what they were doing to stare for a moment at the young woman who asks for salt in a restaurant.

'She must be a foreigner', everyone sighed and went back to appreciating pizza, pasta and rucola.

Changing the subject, I've learnt a new word today. Acquaintance. That is the knowledge of something through experience.
How wonderful, when you allow the freshness of the first-time of coming across something, to absorb into you through your senses, without prejudice or disinterest. Just by approaching it with a bold and curious attitude.

My dream August 10 Monday morning

I had a dream in which a little boy called Kolya stole the pictures I made for my grandmother. It was in my hometown and I tried to find him by looking for him in the neighbourhood and asking his little friends. They told me his name. I was wondering through concrete block building and weird structured houses. Then I found him in a flat on the third or fourth floor. I took him in my arm and demanded my photos. He was chubby with light brown, beatles-like hair. As I touched him, I realised how sad he is that he might have had his own reason to steal my pictures. I said "I can feel people, where is this pain coming from?" He looked at me and I saw that he has three eyes.

There was another dream I slightly remember, I was in my school and had to protect myself from other students bullying. I remember thinking about saying something smart to them so they would leave me alone and I did so and felt very proud. In the same dream I was in the classroom and I had to repeat in chemistry for a teacher and she gave me four, instead of a three.

These numbers 3 and 4 might have some underlying meaning.

Summertime sadness August 9 Sunday

A slight feeling of melancholy settled slowly but bitterly into my heart today. It is Sunday and we went to an open air beach restaurant where the dj enthusiastically played Madonna's La Isla Bonita. I don't know if this feeling took over me because of the sheer boredom or because I had too many drinks last night. I am tired of letting myself down by not completing the promises I pledge to myself on a daily basis. That I'm going to write every day, articles and the big essay.

Nabokov came to my mind again, with his exceptional ability to write Lolita in a different language from his native in (only) six years time. If I could measure the level of my English in years studied (a completely nonsense but good point), my writing skills are comparable to a 9 years old child's. My first somewhat significant essay I produced at 15 so I still have six years to learn. The same time as the Lolita was penned. I find it one of the most beautifully written classics. Even though I am ultimately against the main feature of the novel.

I kept singing Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness in my head. Apart from not wanting to be kissed hard by anyone. I am not even bothered by this.

However every Monday has the potential to restart so I noted to myself: tomorrow wake up with alarm early, do exercise, work more and think less. Overthinking and over-feeling must be strongly related one to another.

When we returned home after having the dinner-on-the-beach (can be a name of a cocktail made for passionless pensioners), I took a shower and sat on the bed with the notebook in my lap. Then he came in and started to entertain me with striptease.

This came so unexpected and so out of my current mood that I could not help myself to laugh. It is not the first time that I noticed, life likes to through some ridiculously funny scene into your face just when you feel like being sad is so prosaic.

The flooding August 8

He made one of those stupid jokes on me involving pictures of ghosts suddenly popping up on the screen. It was Michael Jackson's. It scared me so much I started to cry. We had a big fight. We made peace with each other in his parents' bedroom. I felt as the history is being repeated.
We stayed at home until the evening. We went for dinner. We were told that there was a sudden flooding where we usually go. Our place of parking got completely wiped out by sandy mud and stone river.

I should somehow thank Michael Jackson.

The storm August 7

We were having our lunch on the terrace when I heard the sharp low sound of a thunder coming from the mountain's' side. Some birds flew fast from that direction and I could feel the smell of the rain bringing some fresh air even though it has not hit the terrace floor yet.

I run for my camera hoping to get at least one picture of the lighting dancing between the mountains, the sky and the hollow below us.

I would not say I gave up to easily, eventually I felt minor pain in my right eye and my hands begun to freeze. I could not capture one picture of the lights, they were faster than my shutter.

I sat back to the table putting my camera on the top.

"At least you will have two hundred pictures of the rain" he laughed.

Strange day August 6

Yesterday was a strange day. Initially I started to write about it in my diary, then decided to post it on the blog. Without letting myself to turn my attention away from destructions my mind creates in order to escape the actual work.

After spending two days at home we went out finally to the sea. We swam some distance along the coast then back. Coming out of the warm water and walking on the sandy beach we sat on our towels facing the sea. He said to me maybe it sound crazy but he felt like the sea was strange. I asked in what way. He said as we swam he saw a dead jellyfish that was not moving in the water, on the way back it was still there where he saw it first. The water, he continued was too warm even though it was windy. I noticed it too. The waves were robustly crushing into the land, grinding the pebbles into smaller pieces.

I told him, that I don't think what he thinks is crazy.

'I think the sea is angry. There was a pollution yesterday, some dirty shit went into the water.'

We remained on our towels for the rest of the evening, watching people around us. Later he went to chat with a lady with a dog whom he has not known and I was reading a book. He came back emotional saying that the lady was talking about her. That she got her dog because she had recently separated from her husband. It was a rescued adopted dog. 'Sometimes it is easier to open up to strangers that to friends or relatives.' I said 'That's the beauty of human psyche.' He nodded.

We stayed for the sunset. I took some pictures of the clouds. I found the golden raylights coming through the clouds very beautiful.

On the way back home I decided to forgive my mother and my grandmother. Unforgiving tends to crush families apart. I had to be the one who finally breaks this heavy chain.

A gift August 5

I received this amazing gift, that I can only try to describe accurately. It was a perfect composition by the universe harmoniously floating within me and all around me. A sophisticated moment happening with the elements of nature, with every little atom swirling around me at this peaceful, serene and magical place and I was the center of everything. I was pinning around and the shining never seen colours changed from pastel blue through purple and turned into pink and vivid orange as the skies burned in the sunset. I received this gift, because just at this same place I understood, that there is no separation between me and God.

This is what I wrote in my notes:

"There are many ways of looking at God. You can think of him as God. But you can also look at him as the Universe which is also true. All his faces are true. The Universe is whole, is what you see in front of you. You are a part of it. Therefore, the separation from God is an illusion. There is no separation, you are one with the Universe, with God. The Universe is a part of you, you have the Universe inside you and that Universe has a Universe too. It's an endless fractal. This is how it exists, breathes and is alive."

I also scribbled down:

"Look at the sea. It has all your answers" And I was looking at the ever moving waves. Everything was waving around me.

"We are with you. You are not alone. Just believe. You are able to communicate with us. You have everything."

I feel grattitude.

I love this art August 2

I love this piece of art, because it does not scare me. Because I can find beauty and order in these creatures. Look at them and see, whether you can recognise any fear within you. The fear of the unknown, of chaos and danger, of disorganisation. If so, your world is just as surreal as those worlds. You recognise yourself in them, the elements and traces of your personality and psyche. http://www.boredpanda.com/wounderland-fairy-tales-weird-surrealistic-photography-mothmeister/