The sweetness of doing nothing September 27 Sunday night

I've been back in London since Wednesday.

Lot of things were done, like finished an article for some magazine, uploaded the pictures from travelling, emailed them too, spoke to mother, cooked three times (I'm so back on this track, however choosing fast options so far!), had one fight with Him about happiness, organised my balcony garden (saved a little tree), cleaned out the freezer, gave all frozen unused food to my neighbour, called the fixer (from today there wasn't hot water in the house), had one very quality-naughty night with Him (surprised him with the beautiful black one piece lingerie). On the whole, I'm trying to adopt this big city. I want to get into it's bloodstream, again. I went out on Friday night but returned home at 2 AM with Him.

It's good to be back. I am happy to come back. I'm just afraid to fall back into the routines of last year. I haven't met with any of my London friends yet, not as I have a lot. Cancelled a meditation group today.

It is not like it was last year at this time. I learnt a lot about myself. This September I was confident and self-determined about starting over again.

Still, seeing three aeroplanes heading into one direction makes me wonder, how many planes are departing and landing with countless number people looking forward to something new. There are a few stars too barely apparent in the cold autumn sky.

He likes to play for me nearly every evening, and I enjoy listening to it. Like there is nothing else to do right now, just play music, enjoying together the sweet nothingness.

Tomorrow is Monday, and I need to start looking for job.

Blog entry for September 16

I was riding my bike in the city where I grew up. It was an unusually warm September evening. I went to places I haven’t visited for very long. It was nice to be alone again. I biked through the district, went up to the gate of the smaller river. The sun was setting down between the trees on the riverside. It made me wonder, that how fast the trees grew tall and strong. I witnessed when they were planted. I saw some friends walking their dogs. Everything seemed so cosy. I met a couple under the bridge with a little boy; the girl was hanging her legs into the water. The water was clear; they were studying the things seen on the bottom of it.

The ice-cream seller was already closed so I carried myself to the other gate, behind the first bridge, biked through the passage. I saw the old hospital, it was completely abandoned and empty, the bushes made they ways all over it. I love spooky building. The windows were broken in some places and I could see inside the rooms and corridors. In the past, this hospital was busy and full of doctors, nurses going about their work day to day. I saw some beautiful little houses behind the hospital with nicely decorated csinos, gondozott gardens. Some people found their homes in this tiny city.

The second bridge was the same as I left it including everything many years ago. It was seemingly touched by the hands of time.

I turned left into the wealthy quarter. On the house I adored before, there was a large FOR SALE sign. It was the best one on that street. Even the beautiful ones are going to be sold, I thought.

Then I saw the Artist’s Place and I went inside. I knew it’s a private territory but I could not care. There were some really beautiful statues inside, some of the half-ready. Many statue heads were lining up in one raw, all looking at me. I took pictures.

Then I went to the place to the big gate behind the church and the pharmacy, where we used to go as children with my friends. Nothing changed apart from few trees were being cut completely. We crossed our ways with another young woman with long black hair walking her dog, she looked at me like she knew me then pulled her eyes down when passing by me.

I biked through the walking passage of the park on the river side. People were walking, eating ice-cream enjoying this warm autumn evening, just as I did. I stopped at the new bridge looking at the statues in the fountains then at the sky. It had some lines on the blue canvas and I could clearly see the new moon, shining down with a thin slice.

I spend the rest of the evening sitting on the bench at the main church, until it got dark. The bird songs, the shadows of the pane trees and the sculptures around me created an utterly peaceful, calm and beautiful atmosphere. There was a new statue, the saint of the city. I asked him to look after it while I’m away. However, I couldn’t say more as I remembered I don’t have lights on my bike.

People come and go, places changing and the seasons are following each other in some perfect order. There must be some higher power to hold everything together.

On the way home I popped into a shop and bought a bottle beer for myself, preparing for spending the whole night alone.

When I got home, I routinely turned on the radio. The first song coming through was Enigma’s Return to innocence, breaking the silence of the rooms.

Getting ready for the ending September 5

There is a word in Portuguese that can not be transcribed by any other language. It's very unique. Even it's pronunciation sounds like a velvety melody to the ear: saudade.
It's definition (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains". I don't know how it will come to me to leave this place, but I believe this word is the closest to describe. It's like I'm losing the way to the paradise.
A whole cycle is completed. Although I am not quite there yet, but now I acquired all the tools I need to approach my destination. I came over finally all the things that happened to me in 2013. I understood why they happened, I accepted them and practiced forgiving. Including towards myself. There are no more excuses, and I don't blame anyone anymore. I am responsABLE for my life.

I know that this will be the beginning of something new and interesting. I can prove all that I learnt. Still, I will miss this place. It taught me so much. It made me appreciate things in my life, to understand how fragile life is. That I have no time for stagnation or hesitancy.

Two months are needed to get used to a new place of living, I told Him today in the car. Recently there are a lot of wise conversations going on between us on the way to sea or back. Two weeks are necessary to get your head around and learn about your new surroundings, meanwhile finding your local routines, one month needed to adopt the environment and to get used to it, and nearly two months to become a part of it, start loving it, as it is. That is my advice to the travellers of the world. After two months you will feel saudade about leaving your place.

Hello Autumn September 1

The ending and beginning of seasons had always bared unique significance for me. Yesterday was the last day of Summer so we said goodbye. The sunsets are approaching earlier and the air is colder, and when the crispy evening wind breezes the back of my neck, I grasp how inevitably fast is the reaching of Autumn affecting everything on its way, including me.

I am excited about it. I'm recalling the feeling of walking on the rainy pavements of London, disappearing in long wool knit scarf, visiting museums, theatre opening plays and coming out when it's already dark outside, drinking hot chocolate, breathing in the humid and crispy air, celebrating Halloween with friends, dedicating time to costume making, cooking pumpkin risotto, reading novels about the beauty of decay, mingling in the crowds on the transport and streets while you listen to your beloved songs, marveling the lights of the city while dreaming about being in other places.

With all these treasures, I'm actually looking forward to returning.